Old and New Jokes

Replace […..] with the name of your president of choice.

One night, President […..] was awakened by George Washingtons ghost in the White House. George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? […..] asked.

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? […..] asked.

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, advised Tom.

[…..] didnt sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincolns ghost. Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? […..] asked.

Take a night off and go to the theatre.

Pepito estaba en la escuela, cuando la maestra le comenta a los estudiantes que el párroco de la iglesia iría a hacerles unas preguntas.

Llegó el padre, y le dice a la maestra que escogería a un estudiante para hacerle unas preguntas y, por supuesto, escoge a Pepito. Lo mira y con la mano le dice uno.

Pepito le contesta de igual manera pero con dos dedos.

El religioso le pregunta con tres dedos, y Pepito le contesta con el puño. El cura pone los dedos de forma circular y Pepito de forma ovalada.

El sacerdote le informa a la maestra que Pepito es un muchacho inteligente. La maestra, intrigada, pregunta que por qué, y el padre le explica:

Yo le dije que hay un Dios y él me dijo que no, que hay dos: Padre e Hijo. Le pregunté qué es la Santísima Trinidad y él me dijo que es la más poderosa. Le dije que la hostia es redonda y él me dijo que no, que es ovalada.

Por su parte, los compañeros de Pepito le preguntan a éste que había sido lo que el clérigo le preguntó y Pepito, molesto, les dice:

Ese padre es pato.

¿Por qué dices eso?

Él me dijo que me metería un dedo, yo le dije que le meteré dos. Él me dijo que me meterá tres, yo le dije que le meteré el bicho. Me dijo que me comerá el culo y yo le contesté que le comeré la chocha a la madre que lo parió.

CYBER BREAK UP LETTER

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),



I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:



_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of brb gotta pee took some of the romance out of it.



_____ Your use of the term the ol cyber ball and chain to refer to me has hurt my feelings.



_____ Ive found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.



_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:



· __ You typed: I remove my bra when you claimed to be a man.



· __ You typed: I enter you when you claimed to be a woman.



· __ You typed your own name at the end.



· __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.



· __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.



· __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.



· __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.



· __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.



· __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.



· __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time youre spending on the computer.



· __ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.



· ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.



· ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.



· ___ I am entering the witness protection program.



Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. Weve simply grown apart.



Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,



__ Sincerely,



__ Gleefully,



__ I have to go before the warden calls lights out,



__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,



__ Good riddance,



[Name or alias]

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, Look, I have a lot of models, but why dont you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords? the man asks himself. I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day, the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer, the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the mans claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.

The dealer says, Hmm, it looks fine. Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, Whats that noise?

Since the Bush administration hasnt yet figured out the details of its proposed military tribunals, I thought Id offer a suggestion.

Basically, we have three constraints to meet:

The trials must not be hampered by the US constitution: they are to be secret, with the ability to withhold evidence from the accused, use hearsay and circumstantial evidence, and impose the death penalty with a majority vote.

They need to be supervised by an institution with extensive experience in managing key elements of United States infrastructure.

Since were in a recession now, they need to be cheap.

I say we take a page from U.S. manufacturers and outsource them to China.

from rec.humor.funny

One chimpanzee studying the palm of another: “I see a grim future for you. You’re going to evolve into a man.”

Q: Why are there no British computers?

A: They havent quite figured out how to make them leak oil yet!

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon. Uh huh, said the old man.

We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon, said the old woman. Uh huh, said the old man.

And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon, said the oldwoman.

Thats right, said the old man, except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, Its too big, its too big!

Why do men prefer blondes?

Men always like intellectual company.