Young lady: “My husband is always telling me to go to hell. I would like to know if I could legally take my children with me.â€
29
Dec
29
Dec
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
American history
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
Now, then …
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Microsoft Works
Thanx to Doug Taylor @ Schafer Corp.
28
Dec
Verá señor juez:
Tuve la desgracia de casarme con una viuda. De haberlo sabido no me hubiese casado, porque ella tenÃa una hija.
Mi padre era viudo y para mayor desgracia se enamoró de la hija de mi mujer, de manera que mi esposa era suegra de mi padre, y al mismo tiempo él era mi yerno.
Al poco tiempo mi padre trajo al mundo un varón que era mi hermano, pero era nieto de mi mujer, de manera que yo era abuelo de mi hermano.
Al correr el tiempo mi mujer trajo al mundo un varón, y como era hermano de mi madre era cuñado de mi padre y tÃo de su hijo, mi mujer era suegra de su propia hija, yo en cambio, soy padre de mi madre, mi padre y su mujer son mis hijos y además yo soy mi propio abuelo.
Ya ve señor juez, me despido del mundo por que no sé quien soy.
28
Dec
Iban Venancio y Rafael caminando cuando llegan a un cine y Venancio le dice a Rafael: Anda Venancio, vamos a ver la nueva pelÃcula de Clin Isgüd.
Claro, Rafael, vamos.
Ya dentro del cine le dice Venancio a Rafael:
Mira, yo ya vi esta pelÃcula ayer, pero querÃa venir contigo hoy para comprobar algo.
Hombre, ¿qué cosa?
Te apuesto 100.000 pesetas a que en esta escena, Clin Isgüd NO va a entrar a ese bar y NO le van a dar una paliza.
Pero, estás loco, ¿cómo voy a apostar contigo si tu ya la viste?
Anda, vamos a apostar.
Bueno, anda.
En eso, Clitn Eastwood entra al bar y le ponen la mayor madriza jamas vista en el cine.
Ah Ah, que he ganado 100.000 pesetas, pero Venancio, ¿Cómo se te ocurrió apostar asà si tu ya habias visto la cinta? dice Refael
Bueno, es que con la madriza que le pusieron ayer yo dije, hoy este güey no entra.
28
Dec
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Helena!
Helana who?
Helena hand basket!
28
Dec
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
Theyre hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they dont work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two – if you slice them very thinly.
Why cant men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didnt hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show hes planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they dont like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
Whats the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Whats a mans idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
Whats the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didnt want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies bums right after theyre born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do little boys whine?
Because theyre practicing to be men.
28
Dec
Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:
Time Magazines next Man Of The Year issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.
The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, You cwazy wabbit, youve been onwine for 5 minutes and thats way-y-y too long… were going to boot you off!
The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, Eh, whats up Doc? he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.
28
Dec
One day there were three men walking down the street. One was black, one was French, and one was Polish.
As they walked by a farm, a farmer stopped them and asked if theyd like to take a test to win his daughters hand. Being game, they all said, Why the hell not?
Good, the farmer said. He then explained to them that they would have to jump over a fence (electric), get through some mud (quick-sand), and fuck his cow.
The black man went first. He only got as far as the fence, but he got a permanent set of Dred-Locks!
Next, the French man went. He just barely jumped the fence when he sloshed right into the quicksand. He screamed, Help! Help, mes amis! The farmer quickly stuck his foot on the poor Frogs head.
Finally it was the Polacks turn. He jumped the fence with ease, got through the quicksand with the help of the Frogs slightly liquified head, and then proceeded to screw the cow.
The farmer, being amazed at all this, decided hed give the guy some land along with his daughter.
So, the farmer said, are you ready to marry my 19-year-old daughter and get some of my farm?
Well, sir, the Polack nervously replied, Id love to take the land, but could I please keep the cow?
28
Dec
Three Muslims died and went to Heaven. When they approached the gate, St. Peter said Sorry, only Christians are allowed in Heaven.
The Muslims said But we are good Christians!
St. Peter replied Okay, if youre good Christians then tell me what is Easter?
The first Muslim went up to St. Peter and said I know! Im a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a white bunny suit and hopped around delivering eggs to children!
St. Peter shook his head, and said Next!
The second Muslim guy then came up and said I know! Im a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a red and white suit and flied around delivering presents to good children!
St. Peter sighed, and said Next!
So the last Muslim guy comes up to old St. Peter and says Oh, I know! Im a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man died on the cross for the people, and they buried him in a cave. After three days the Jesus man got up, went out of the cave, saw his shadow, and there was 6 more weeks of winter!
28
Dec
Join the dynamic team here at SoulWaste. We want people who
believe in the hi-tech religion and who are willing to work 60 hour
weeks under florescent lights in grey buildings with windows that
dont open. After all, the earth will stop rotating on its axis
if our product doesnt get out the door before the competition.
You must be a mindless zealot whos idea of a good time is
playing MacIntosh computer games on nights and weekends and whos
conversations with other people sound like a Wang commercial.
You must believe in the Yuppie vision of the world as shown in
Wang, H-P, and AT&T commercials where people are shown thinking
about their job while swimming or walking their dog and where
everybody is inadequate if they havent purchased the latest
wiz-bang box or felt anxious guilt if their office system isnt
networked to everything more hi-tech than a Smith-Corona typewriter.
Yes, we dont just want your hours at SoulWaste–we want
your soul!!
Qualifications:
Must be willing to sacrifice any semblance of
real life for carrots held at the end of sticks
i.e. BIG BUCKS.
Must have huge repertoire of computer buzzwords
in vocabulary.
Must feel the same degree of mania as company
management when products are late getting out
the door.
Must have no social life–cause were gonna
fatigue you so much you aint gonna have one
anyway.
Oh, yeah, must know the C programming language.
Direct inquiries to this dynamic and growing conspiracy, I mean, er,
company to:
Simon LeGree
SoulWaste Corporation
Telephone: 1-800-FAUSTUS