Old and New Jokes

Brenda OMalley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

Brenda, may I come in? he asks. Ive somethin to tell ya.

Of course you can come in. Youre always welcome, Tim.

But wheres my husband?

Thats what Im here to be tellin ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.

Oh, God no! cries Brenda. Please dont tell me…

I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. Im sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. How did it happen, Tim?

It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?

Well, no Brenda, no.

No?

Fact is, he got out three times to pee.

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister — then who are they for?" The nine-year old says "Theyre for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?" The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike — and my little brother cant do either of those things."

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8:

6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea Ive ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, well definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says well have so much snow by the end of winter, that Ill never want to see snow again. I dont think thats possible. Bob is such a nice man. Im glad hes our neighbor.

December 14:

Snow, lovely snow! 8 last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didnt realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but Ill certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldnt huff and puff so.

December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wifes car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think thats silly. We arent in Alaska, after all.

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I shouldve bought a wood stove, but wont admit it to her. God I hate it when shes right. I cant believe Im freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:

Electricitys back on, but had another 14 of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said theyre too busy playing hockey. I think theyre lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and theyre out. Might have another shipment in March. I think theyre lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think hes lying.

December 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says hes too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23:

Only 2 of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts??? Why didnt she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think shes damn well lying.

December 24:

6. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where Ive just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin snowplow.

December 25:

Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes an idiot. If I have to watch Its a Wonderful Life one more time, Im going to kill her.

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. Shes really getting on my nerves.

December 27:

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:

Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. Thats the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:

Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9 predicted.

December 31:

Set fire to whats left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Yo mama so fat her nickname is Lardo

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I cant seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

Dear Lee,

My Doctor and I went singing Christmas Carols last night … it was SO much fun!! He had a brand new song book that we used, with many new versions of old favorites. Some of our other friends came also: Alphonse and his voices Ned, Peter, Daniel, Grimace, June, and Butch/Bitch (hee hee, even his *voices* have voices!); Gringo (you remember Gringo?), but they wouldnt let him out of the jacket; and Nutty Nadine, along with a few others. Everyone was asking for you, wondering when youd be back … except for Nadine of course – she still says thats YOUR baby!

Heres a little preview for you from Dr. R. Terrycloths new songbook:

Schizophrenia:
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia:
I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and …
or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality:
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia:
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder:
You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry.
Im Gonna Pout, then MAYBE Ill Tell You Why

Depression:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia.
All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

Passive Aggressive:
On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave To Me… (And Then She Took it All Away!!)

Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, Ill be seeing you when your prescription runs out, Im sure!

Christopher Columbus was stranded in Jamaica and needed supplies. He knew that an eclipse was to occur the next day. He told the tribal chief, The God who protects me will punish you. Unless you give me supplies this night, a vengeance will fall upon you and the moon shall lose its light!

When the eclipse darkened the sky, Columbus got all the supplies he needed.

In the early 1900s, and Englishman tried the same trick on a Sudanese chieftain. If you do not follow my order, he warned, vengeance will fall upon you and the moon will lose its light.

If youre referring to the lunar eclipse, the Sudanese chieftain replied, that doesnt happen until the day after tomorrow.

Nowadays theres little meaning For a person to be gleaning When a man attaches Doctor to his name He may be a chiropractor Or a painless tooth extractor Hes entitled to the title just the same.

Or perhaps he is a preacher Or a lecturer or teacher, Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip; He may keep a home for rummies, Or massage fat peoples tummies, Or specialize in ailments of the hip.

Everybody is a doctor, From the backwoods herb concocter To the man who takes bunions from your toes; From the frowning dietician To the snappy electrician Who shocks you loose from all the bodys woes.

So theres very little meaning For a sufferer to be gleaning When a man attaches Doctor to his name. He may pound you, he may starve you, He may cut your hair or carve you, You have got to call him Doctor all the same!