Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so dumb that when she saw a sign that said Free next to a pony she took the sign.

René Descartes walked into a pub.The barman asked if hed like a pint.Descartes said, I think not.And promptly disappeared.

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, What the hell happened?

As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss, replied the wife.

Piss on him, answered the husband.

You did, said the wife, and he fired you.

Well, fuck him, said the husband.

I did, and you go back to work in the morning.

El anciano estaba postrado, casi moribundo cuando sintió el aroma de los dulces horneados que tanto le gustaban.

Haciendo un gran esfuerzo se bajó de la cama y se dirigió a la cocina. Fue lento y trabajoso, a veces casi arrastrándose, hasta que logro llegar a la fuente de los ricos aromas. Sobre la mesa había varias bandejas de las golosinas recién horneadas. Se arrastró lo más cerca que pudo de la mesa y utilizando las últimas fuerzas que le quedaban estiró la mano, un poco más y casi tocaba las golosinas y de pronto sintió un agudo dolor en la mano y la dejó caer.

Miró arriba y vio a su anciana esposa con la espátula en la mano amenazando con golpearlo otra vez:

¡No te atrevas a tocar otra vez, son para tu funeral!

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender



asks, Whats wrong.



The guy says that he just found out that his younger son



is gay. The bartender



says, Im sorry about that buddy.



After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15



tequilas. The bartender



enquires, Whats wrong now? To



which the guy responds that he found out



that his older



son was gay, too. The bartender says that hes sorry.



The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas.



The bartender



burst out, Isnt anyone in your family



gettin any pussy?! and the guy



looks up and sneers,



Yeah, my wife!

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldnt because of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said, The only thing I can smell is molasses!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, Where am I?! and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you dont know what he/she is talking about.

Indian Team Manager : Hello(over Phone)

Caller :Can I talk to Azharuddin Please, I am his friend and calling from Hyderabad.

Indian Team Manager:Sorry,he went to bat

Azaruddins friend:No Problem Manager, I will Hold on

To determine YOUR personality. Check the gift youd most like to get.

Candy
Flowers
A sweet poem
Sex
Dinner/Dancing
Waffle iron

If you answered…

CANDY, It means that …

You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share …

OR

youre a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything even true love.

FLOWERS, It means that …

You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture …

OR

you get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.

A SWEET POEM, It means that …

Youre a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word …

OR

youre used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.

SEX, It means that …

You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful …

OR

youre a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.

DINNER/DANCING, It means that …

You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight …

OR

youre easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.

WAFFLE IRON, It means that …

Youre a practical person who believes those that you can actually use …

OR

you have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.

First hunter:Weve been here all day and havent bagged a thing. Second hunter: Yeah, lets miss two more each and then head home.