Tommy and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture while mom made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs, Tommy came downstairs crying.
Whats wrong? His mother said.
Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer! said Tommy.
Well … Tommys mother said, Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be okay. Its actually kind of funny, I dont know why you didnt laugh when it happened.
Thats the problem, said Tommy through his tears, I did!
Well its been over 20 years since Consumers Reports reviewed girlfriends
(CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So
we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend
for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final
product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion?
A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting
a girlfriend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you
are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics– if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and
a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy,
high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear
polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power
in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you
that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice;
due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually
increase with time.
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or
a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
| Your age | Used or New |
|---|---|
| 1-12 years | (see note A) |
| 13-16 years | New |
| 17-21 years | Used, but not used up |
| 22-35 years | Used heavily |
| 35-60 years | New (see note B) |
| 60+ | (see note A) |
Notes:
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only new if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, divorced.
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences
to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough
to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may
be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU
advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage
(2.1 SOs/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the
girlfriend was a professional.
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory installed.
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test
ride ritual begins with the so-called pickup line, which can range from
the simple if dull (Can I buy you a drink?) to the aggressively hip
(dance with me or Ill kill you) to the arcane (Youre my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!). CU rates as Not Acceptable
Smile, youll look better. Once on the test bed, evaluate handling,
stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are:
how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does
the heater warm adaquately, or does she remain cool?
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected
to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CUs
specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and
living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility.
A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the
following criterion:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Girlfriends are grouped together in catagories by similarity.
Within each catagory, variation is not statistically significant.
| Catagory | Comments |
|---|---|
| Goddess: | This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you dont. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of raquetball, understand what you mean even if you dont say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hangups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available. |
| Goddess-in-law: | This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alchololic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs. |
| Ms. Right: | The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck. |
| The Babe: | This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs. |
| The Friend: | The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldnt be caught dead in it. Availibility is poor to fair, depending on quality. |
| The Ford Escort of girlfriends: | Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish. |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Indonesia!
Indonesia who?
I look at you and I get week Indonesia!
Un tipo le confiesa a otro:
Estoy casado desde hace 20 años y siempre estuve enamorado de la misma mujer.
Eso me parece admirable.
También algo peligroso… ¡En cuanto se entere mi mujer, me mata!
A child came home from Sunday school and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother awhile before she realized that the hymn was really Gladly, The Cross Id Bear.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet.
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?
The man replied, I work for the IRS.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!""Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him." [dramatic pause]"Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow arent they?"The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, thats a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group was silent for a moment.The pastor said, "Thats so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why cant these guys play at night?"
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper, the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. Let me tell you a story, replied the Rabbi. A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Wear a heavy, long, flannel
nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?
No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.
Guys walking down the street when he sees a sign in front of a store that says, Any flavored Ice Cream – $1. Guy goes into the store, slaps down a buck and says, I want pussy-flavored ice cream.
Clerk nods, goes in the back of the store and comes back with an ice cream cone. Heres your pussy-flavored ice cream, sir!
Guy takes the cone and walks out of the store. A few seconds later, he comes storming back into the store all pissed off. Hey! I thought you said this is pussy-flavored ice cream!
Clerk says, It is pussy-flavored ice cream, sir.
Guy says, So why does it taste like shit?
Clerk says, Because, sir, youre taking too big of a lick.
A man goes to the doctor and he finds out that he is very ill and only has a few weeks to live. He cant believe it and starts asking the doctor, What can I do?
The Doctor says that unfortunatley it is too late and he should concentrate on getting his affairs in order.
There must be something! the man says. What about radiation, Chemotherapy….Im a tough guy!
The doctor again says that there is nothing they can do for him and he should concentrate on the time he has left.
The man, however, is beside himself and will not give up. Doc, please. What about experimantal treatments? Im not leaving until you give me something!
At this point the doctor finally says, OK, if I were you Id take my wife up to the wine country and go to one of those spas they have, for a mud bath.
Now the guy really cant believe it. A mud bath? he says. If radiation wont work, chemo wont work, what is a mud bath supposed to accomplish?
Well, replies the Doctor, It will get you used to dirt.