Old and New Jokes

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them looks down and finds a mirror. She picks it up, looks at it.WOW! I know this person. Ive seen this person before. The other blonde takes the mirror and looks at it.Of course you do. Thats me.

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, You need to stop masturbating.

The guy replies, Why Doc? Am I going blind?

The doctor says, No, but youre upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.

From a contest in which Baby Boomers were asked to tell Gen Xers how much harder it was in the old days: In my day, we didnt have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times, dadgummit.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) In my day, we couldnt afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) In my day, we didnt have hand held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In my day, we didnt have fancy high numbers. We had nothing, one, twain and multitudes.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, we didnt get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying Doors closing. We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didnt have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
(Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover) Back in the 1970s we didnt have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didnt have days. There was only time for work, time for pray and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, we didnt have fancy healthfood restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And were all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In my day, we didnt have water. We had to smash to

The Ages of Woman:

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.



2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.



3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.



4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.



5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows its down there but who gives a damn?







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The Ages of Man: (read these ones carefully)

1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly.



2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly.



3. Over 47: Try weakly.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. But officer, the man began, I can explain.

Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

But, officer, I just wanted to say,

And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.

Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

178. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate commets, pretend not to hear anything.

What do call a Irish seven course dinner?

A potato and a six pack.

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, Buddy, Id sure like to be on your side of the river!

Aight, tell ya whut, Ill shine my flashlight cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light! the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, Haint no way, buddy. I know you think Im a fool! When I get halfway cross, youll turn your flashlight off!

* Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldnt anyway.

* Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.

* People who say theyve learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place.

* As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most… is its length.

* The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, youd think there was a reward.

* Even as I age, I still consider myself a go-getter… of course now, I have to make two trips.

* Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat yourself on the back.

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit!"