Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didnt translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
Van dos tipos por el desierto. De repente uno tropieza con algo.
¡Oye, que roca más rara! ¡Si parece una piramide!
Se ponen a excavar ambos y desentierran una piramide de la hostia.
Es una piramide de la hostia.
Vaya que sÃ, ¿sabes lo que te digo?
¿Que?
Vamos a avisar al equipo arqueológico americano. Esa gente es profesional y seguro que sabe de que va esto.
Vale.
Avisan al equipo arqueologico Americano que viene con sus jeeps, trailers, caravanas y helicópteros llenos a rebosar de aparatos y cientÃficos. Se meten en la piramide y al cabo de DOS años salen.
Vaya, si que han estado tiempo. ¿Qué han averiguado?
Pues, responde el portavoz del equipo americano, después de laboriosas investigaciones, hemos averiguado que esta piramide fue construida entre el 1500 y el 2000 antes de Cristo.
¡Sólo eso! ¡Después de dos años sólo han averiguado esa mierda!
Pues sÃ.
Los dos tipos mosqueados deciden llamar a los Alemanes.
Esos sé que sÃ, ¡los Alemanes son de un metódico!
Vienen los alemanes, se meten en la piramide, pasan dos años y salen.
¿Que?
Hemos averiguado, responde el alemán, que esta piramide fue construida, seguramente, en torno al 1700 antes de Cristo.
Y…
Bueno, no hemos podido averiguar más, los jeroglÃficos son muy complicados…
Los dos tipos bufan con resignación.
No nos queda más remedio que avisar a LA GUARDIA CIVIL.
Llega una pareja de guardias civiles, se meten dentro y en dos dÃas salen.
¡Que pronto! ¿Qué han averiguado?
Hemos averiguado que la pirámide fue construida en el 1857 antes de Cristo a las órdenes del faraón Ankhetop IV. Aquel dÃa estaba nuboso y una rama de sacerdotes se oponÃa a ello… bla, bla, bla… participaron mas de 2000 esclavos no cualificados que intentaron una revuelta… bla, bla, bla… la esposa del faraón lucia un modelito de… bla, bla, bla… la influencia en la lengua se vio en… bla, bla,bla…
¡COÑO! ¿Como lo han conseguido?
Hombre nos ha costao, la verdad nos ha costao, pero al final la momia ha hablado.
Did you hear what the FBI determined about Monica Lewinski?
Not only is she a slut, shes a messy eater too!
Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In deaths agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
Stay out of those, she said, theyre for the funeral.
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, Excuse us for a few minutes boys, were going up to our room for a little while.
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
Before you look in there, he says, keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs.
Theres this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant see a man crying.
No, its not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking abo ut putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison …
The General shouted to his troops, Onward To Victory!
About 30 minutes later, an urgent message reached him……. Need Further Instructions, Victory not on map!
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: For Women Only.
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. Its easy to decide, since each floor has a sign telling you whats inside.
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: All the men on this floor are short and plain.
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: All the men here are short and handsome.
Still, this isnt good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: All the men here are tall and plain.
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: All the men here are tall and handsome.
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.
Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Witness: I only have one, you know.
Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Accused, Defending His Own Case: Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15th.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Lawyer: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?
Witness: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.
Lawyer: Can you identify the rifle?
Witness: Yes. There was something written on the side of it.
Lawyer: And what did the writing say?
Witness: Winchester!
Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Lawyer: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?
Witness: No. He was wearing a mask.
Lawyer: What was he wearing under the mask?
Witness: Er…his face.
Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that youve forgotten?
Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: What disco am I at?
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Lawyer: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Lawyer: And you check your radar unit frequently?
Officer: Yes, I do.
Lawyer: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
Lawyer: What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Now sir, Im sure you are an intelligent and honest man–
Witness: Thank you. If I werent under oath, Id return the compliment.
Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned?
Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?
Lawyer: How long have you been a French Canadian?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or a female?
Lawyer: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
Witness: I went to Europe, sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?
Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: Thats me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: Ill be three months on November 8.
Lawyer: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: What were you doing at that time?
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: Four times.
Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there girls?
Lawyer: You dont know what it was, and you didnt know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, Id like to strike the next question.
Lawyer: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.
Lawyer: And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Lawyer: What is your brother-in-laws name?
Witness: Borofkin.
Lawyer: Whats his first name?
Witness: I cant remember.
Lawyer: Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember his first name?
Witness: No. I tell you, Im too excited. (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heavens sake, tell them your first name!
Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Lawyer: What is your marital status?
Witness: Fair.
Lawyer: Are you married?
Witness: No, Im divorced.
Lawyer: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didnt know about.
Lawyer: And who is this person you are speaking of?
Witness: My ex-widow said it.
Lawyer: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Witness: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.
Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Witness: Yes sir.
Lawyer: Before or after he died?
Lawyer: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Lawyer: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: What was he doing with the dogs ears?
Witness: Picking them up in the air.
Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?
Witness: Attached to the ears.
Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Other Lawyer: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Lawyer: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer: How old are you?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
Witness: She is my daughter.
Lawyer: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Lawyer: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Lawyer: Now, doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesnt know anything about it until the next morning?
Lawyer: And what did he do then?
Witness: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Lawyer: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Lawyer: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
Witness: He didnt offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.
Lawyer: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Witness: I didnt see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Lawyer: It was covered?
Witness: Yes, bandaged.
Lawyer: Then, later on…what did you see?
Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Witness: I could see his head.
Lawyer: And where was his head?
Witness: Just above his shoulders.
Lawyer: Do you drink when youre on duty?
Witness: I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Lawyer: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Witness: The victim lived.
Lawyer: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isnt it? You too were shot in the fracas.
Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Lawyer: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Witness: Because he was argumentary, and he couldnt pronunciate his words.