Old and New Jokes

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.

If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.

I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar. And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.

Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think Im the smartest person in this bar. And she gets a million dollars.

Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror, I think… POOF! She disappears.

[My father tells this one. Its probably quite old.]

A little boy runs into the kitchen, crying.

His mother asks, Johnny, why are you crying?

Johnny cries, Because daddy hit his thumb with
the hammer!

His mother says, You shouldnt cry because
of that. You should *laugh*!

Johnny breaks out in tears anew and says,
But I *did*!

Deviation is considered normal.
We feel complete and sufficient.
We are mean lovers.
Statisticians do it discretely and continuously.
We are right 95% of the time.
We can legally comment on someones posterior distribution.
We may not be normal but we are transformable.
We never have to say we are certain.
We are honestly significantly different.
No one wants our jobs.

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, dont

reject the guy outright.



So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.



The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, No problem! I have. I have.



Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.



The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, Okay, okay. I build. I build.



Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that shed better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.



The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.



Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.

there was this naked man on the beach.well this girl came up to him and said what is that.he said it is my birdy.well he went to sleep.and when he woke up he found his self in the hospitel.and he went the little girl and asked what she did and she said i was playing with it and stuff started to com out and it snaped off.

What did the sadist do to the masochist?
Nothing!

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time marred girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month; References required.
Wanted: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.
Wanted: Mothers helper, peasant working conditions.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires a person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool; Experience preferred.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Whats the difference between a violin and a viola?

There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinists head is so much bigger.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, criticizes on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch potato.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from ones workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally wacked out, and losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on wild rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

BROWNMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips ? hardware, Salsa ? software. Well, first we gotta figure out if the problems in your chips or your salsa.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, We each owe $8, but all anybodys got are yuppie food stamps.

CLM – Career Limiting Move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Complaining about your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. Ive been dilberted again — our boss revised the specs for the fourth time this week.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve just made a BIG mistake.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB: A Get-Out-Of-Debt Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. TV trials are a prime example, Elimidate is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

A guy walks into a bar and notices a good looking blonde sitting alone at the bar. He wanders over and notices that she has the name NAN on her shirt. He says, Excuse me Nan, can I buy you a drink?

She says: Yes you can but my name isnt Nan, its Sue. NAN stands for National Organization of Nymphomaniacs.

He then asks her what NAN does. She explains that NAN is basically a research organization that studies sexual experiences between males and females based on race, age, experience, class status, ect.

He then asks what has she learned? She replies, Well from what my personal research tells me, Native Americans are the most experienced, Jewish men have the best stamina and its true that African Americans are better endowed then your average white male.

She then thanks the man for the drink and asks him his name.

He smiles and says, Lightfoot Goldberg, but my friends call me Bubba.