THE NEW 23 PSALM
In these days of increased jargonization, we feel sure that a new millennium version of the Bible is sure to be produced, incorporating much of this modern language. Perhaps it will be called the NMV–New Millennium Version. The 23rd Psalm would never be the same again. It may sound something like this:The Lord and I are in a shepherd/sheep situation, and I am in a position of negative need.He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me
directionally parallel to a non-torrential aqueous liquid.He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological make-up.Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non-illuminated inter-hill mortality slot..terror sensations shall not be observed within me due to the proximity of the omnipotence.Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupled pickup unit introduce me into a pleasurific mood state.You design and produce a nutrient-bearing furniture type structure in the context of non-cooperative elements, and my beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.You enact ahead related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts.Surely it must be an ongoing non-deductible fact that your inter-relational, emphatical and non-vengeful capacities will pursue me as their target focus for the duration of this non-death period.And I will possess tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.
There was an American on a buisness trip in England. He got on a train, and was unable to find a seat. The man walked up and down the different cars until he discovered that an old ladys tiny dog was taking up a whole seat.
So he said to the lady, Hey, you think you could move your dog? I cant find a seat.
Now this wasnt a nice lady, so she replied, You rude American! My little poodles needs somewhere to be!
So the man walked up and down the cars again, looking for somewhere to sit. He came back to the lady and the dog. Look lady, I need somewhere to sit. Can you please put your dog on your lap?
Of course, the womans reply was about the same as the first one, You again?! Go away you rude man, dont bother my poodles!
So for the last time the man searched for a seat as the train started. He came back to the woman angrily, Move your mutt lady! The woman went into a fit of frustration, scolding the man like a child.
Finally hed had enough and grabbed the dog and threw it out the window. The woman sat in disbelief until the man accross the isle said, You damn Americans, you do everything wrong!
You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the fork in the wrong hand, and NOW YOU THROW THE WRONG BITCH OUT THE WINDOW!
From Matt Groenings very funny Big Book Of Hell, here are some philosophical theories shared by youngsters:
If you eat a bunch of fizzies (i.e. pop-rocks or the like) when you drink a glass of water, you will explode.
Dogs and bees can smell fear.
Nothings impossible. Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the whole world in a fraction of a second.
If you throw a penny off the top of the Empire State Building, it will go a foot into the sidewalk.
Theres a place in France where the ladies wear no pants.
If you cut open a golfball, the radioactive juice inside will blow up.
Rain is just God peeing on you. If you die in your dream, you will die. Adults are really Martians, and theyre up to no good.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they
noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had
harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our
air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to
get away and said to the female, Lets swim after them and gobble them up
before they reach the shore.
At this point, he realized that the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
Look, she said, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to
swallow the seamen.
Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, whos not a creep;
One whos handsome, smart and strong.
One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he wont wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his cash, wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man wholl make love to my mind, knows just what to say, when I ask How bigs my behind?
I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray to my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
There was a man who had memory loss. His wife got so fed up with him that she decided to take him to a doctor to help him remember things.
A few weeks later the man was out of the hospital and his wife felt he had made a big improvement.
A few days later they decided to celebrate so they invited their parents over for dinner. The mans father asked what the doctors name was.
The man replied, Whats the name of that flower with a long stem and little thorns on it?
His dad looked confused and said, Rose?
Yes thats it… Hey, Rose… what’s the name of my doctor?
Internet es la amante de mi marido.
Es el sistema ideal para buscar una cosa y encontrar otra.
Es eso a lo que uno se conecta cuando quieres cortarte las uñas mientras esperas.
Fabuloso sistema para impedir que mi suegra llame por teléfono.
Es un cursor en forma de reloj de arena.
Internet es la cybertierra prometida.
La mejor manera de distraer a tu novia para conocer a sus amigas.
A Freudian Slip is when you intend to say one
thing but instead say your mother.
John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full colonel.Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College. His work was well respected, but after about 10 years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelors degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favor by letting him keep his job by getting only a masters degree.So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA. On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read Johns name. Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook well be using? he asked.I *am* the John Kallam who wrote the textbook youre using, came the dry response.
A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.
Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very
life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It has no
price tag, but it looks so striking she decides she
must have it. She takes it to the owner: How much is
the bronze rat?Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the
story, says the owner.The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. Ill
just take the rat; you can keep the story.As she walks down the street carrying the bronze rat,
she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of
alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the
street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins
walking a little bit faster.Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind
her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing.
She starts to trot towards the Bay. She takes a
nervous look around and sees that the rats now number
in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they are
all squealing and coming towards her faster and
faster.Terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay and throws
the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay
after it, and are all drowned.The woman walks back to the curio shop. Aha, says
the owner, Ill bet you have come back for the
story.Actually no, says the woman. I came back to see if
you have a bronze Republican