Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
You bring your dog to work with you.

Statistics compiled by MAD Magazine Issue 228, January 1982. (Dated but still a relevant source).

40% – Presents.
6% – Presents with no useful functions.
4% – Presents with a function, but which will never be used.
10% – Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate.
11% – Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after the intended recipients get tired of them.
6% – Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for.
* -Presents the recipients will really like.
3% – T-shirts with writings on them.
21% – Decorations.
6% – Christmas tree (less if youre really cheap and wait till Dec. 24th to buy it!).
1% – Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out last year.
1% – Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on this year.
2% – Christmas tree ornaments.
3% – Christmas tree ornaments hangers (includes the gas for that extra trip you always have to make back to store because there werent enough hangers supplied with the ornaments).
1% – A new star for the top.
2% – Tinsel (which everyone will put on the tree incorrectly, starting a very bad … and possibly violent … family argument).
2% – Outdoor displays.
2% – Medical bills for injuries sustained while putting up outdoor displays.
1% – Fuses to replace those blown when turning on outdoor displays for the first time.
8% – Food and Drink.
1% – More eggnog than the entire Osmond family could even drink.
1.5% – Foods you would never buy any other time of the year (i.e. fruitcakes, mincemeat, etc.).
1% – Alcoholic beverages (triple this figure if you have relatives coming from out of town).
1% – Milk and cookies the kids make leave out for Santa.
1% – Candy canes that nobody ever eats.
2% – Turkey.
0.5% – Antacid.
9% – Entertainment.
1% – That new record you buy every year (even though you already have 27 hours of recorded Christmas music).
3% – Taking a bunch of kids to a really crummy G-rated movie about cute little animals.
5% – Extra trips to the local bar that you take to avoid those sickening TV Christmas Specials the networks keep throwing at you.
12% – Miscellaneous.
3% – Sickly-sweet Christmas Cards.
2% – Postage for same.
2% – Bonuses for people who dont even deserve them (like that louse paper boy).
0.5% – Candles.
0.5% – Plastic mistletoe.
2% – Money tossed into street-corner Santas buckets (although you dont really know what its for).
2% – Money for the collection plate for your once-a-year trip to church for Christmas Mass.
10% – Batteries.

* Too small an amount to be statistically significant.

Hi yall…muh name ids Bubba and dis is muh fameily:

Furst is me… Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.

My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.

My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.

My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.

My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!

My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.

We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!

Then theres my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.

My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.

Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.

Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.

My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.

Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.

Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.

My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesnt know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.

My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. Its hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.

Thats the END OF MUH FAMEILY!

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.

A man named Jim was trying to have a yard sale and he was cleaning the front yard but he couldnt find the rake so he motioned to his wife who was upstairs about to get into the shower. He calls out Where is the rake? She says What! so he points to his eye (I) hits his knee (need) then he makes raking motions she replies by pointing at her eye then grabbing her left breast then she slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He immediately runs into his house up the stairs and before he can open his mouth his wife says eye left tit behind the bush.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems = with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, What did the doctor say?

Youre going to die, she replied.

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santas summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere.

In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1997, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to all who have made Christmas great, and vowed to make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all. It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked Why buy Christmas? Bill Gates replied Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. Well use it first for the release of Windows97 and Office

97.

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 96 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will take some time, so dont expect any changes this year. She continued, our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas

96. It will be bigger and better than last year. She further elaborated that Windows95 users who sign up with MS Network will get previews of Christmas 96 as early as November first.

Christmas 96 is scheduled for release in December of 1996, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of

1997. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next years economy and the nations tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. But it could be good in the long term, he explained. With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business, suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was sizeable, even for a man of Santas stature. Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

How about a little Christmas poetry?

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesnt believe in Santa Claus …
Because she has her Master Charge

My wife had her credit card stolen,I havent reported it yet because of who ever has it doesnt spend as much as she does.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
a bar having a few drinks together.

The Englishman says to the Frenchman, So tell me, what do you do to drive your
wife wild?

Well, says the Frenchman, After making love, I go out to the garden and
pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body.
then I gently blow them off with a soft,even breath, and that drives her wild.

Then the Frenchman says, And what do you do to drive your wife wild?

To which the Englishman replies, After making love, I get some baby oil and
massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!

Then the pair turn to the Newfoundlander and ask him what he does.

Naawww you dont want to know what I do he says.

So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they
ask him what he does.

Well.., he says, When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of
bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild.

Im worried that Im losing my wifes love, the husband told the counseller.

Has she started to neglect you? Not at all, the dejected man replied. She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, shes a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch, or says she has a headache.

So whats the problem?

Maybe Im just being too sensitive, the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks Im sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, Die! Die, you son of a bitch!