Old and New Jokes

Video games:*They almost always turn on when you want them to
*They are always ready to play when you are
*They are ready to play when you dont want to play
*They sometimes do stupid things that makes you want to hit them
*They try to please you with many different types of gamesThey are menComputers:*They hardly ever start up when asked to
*They dont ever want to make you happy
*If you try to play games with them, they crash on purpose.
*They are impossible to please
*They have the potential to provide more pleasure than video games, but refuse to do so on almost all occasions.
*They will freeze when you are sending emails to girls you like.They are women.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said, DONT WALK.

Finally, the game of golf is beginning to make sense:

These rules of golf are for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability, if only they got an even break once in awhile. They were adapted from those proposed by the Union Printers Golf Club in Baltimore and have some appealing provisions:

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.

If a putt passed over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. (Same thing goes for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law). (Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics).

A putt that stops close enough to the hole to inspire such comments as, You could blow it in … may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now

in effect in Canada)

A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?

A: 69 plus G. S. T.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

Again, the clerk doesnt answer him.

The guy asks several more times W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, Why wouldnt you answer that guys question?

The clerk answers, D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!

Okay, said the wife, Ill admit I like to spend money, but its the only extravagance I have!

Jonny and Tommy where hot one summers day.

The boys decided to go swimming. They went to the public pool.

Soon the lifeguard calls them over. She says, Ive been watching you two. You will have to leave now. But why?

For peeing in the pool.

Well, but everyone does that. the boys replied in unison.

Not from the diving board, they dont!

Why did the blondes guest feel special?
Beacause hewas always on top!

Why did Osama Bin Laden kill

wife number 37?

Because he looked up her dress

and saw bush…

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train??

A: A teacher says spit out that gum and a train says choo choo choo!