Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you cant tuna fish.

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!

POST GAME DISCUSSION

Two Rams fans were standing at a bar. The one fan said to the other, You know, the Patriots might have won the Super Bowl, but their fans are such assholes!

A man walked up to them and with a mad look on his face said, I find that statement offensive!

One of the Rams fans replied, Oh, you must be a Patriots fan.

No, the man said, Im an asshole!

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

Ive found CTC to be the cheapest plan around, offered one.

CTC? Who are they?

You know… he responded. Call Them Collect.

(via Aiken Drum, Rodney & Cathy, HorridScopes)

So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.

As instructed by the foreman they were to yell TIMBER! whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled Timber and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.

The tree fell on the cab killing poor ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married. Well Sven and Ole didnt know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDahs now widow.

Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didnt know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell…..Sven rang the doorbell.

A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. Hes at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ….!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred of the dark!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lena!
Lena who?
Lena little closer and Ill tell you!

Three mice are sitting at a bar late at night in a pretty rough neighborhood trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse downs a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.



The second mouse orders up two shots of bourbon, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.



The first and second mice turn to the third mouse. He lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, I dont have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat.

See photo of interviewers family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: The strawberry ones are the stickiest, dont ya think?

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, Of course I was totally hammered at the time.

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldnt even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadnt stolen your secret patent for 2000 Flushes.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if its O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or youre not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didnt feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if shell sit on your lap during the interview.

Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; NOW we can begin.

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; smell these, these smell funny to you???

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.