Old and New Jokes

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! she screamed.

Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her.

Nobodys ugly after 2 a.m.!

One Sunday morning Santas son burst into the living room and said, Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Priya.
After dinner, Santa took him aside, Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. Shes a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Priya is actually your half-sister, and Im afraid you cant marry her.
Son was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, Sonu said yes! We are getting married in June.
Again Santa insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. Sonu is your half-sister too, I am very sorry about this.
Son was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother, Jeeto, with the news.
Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married, he complained. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.
Jeeto just shook her head. Dont pay any attention to what he says, dear. Hes not really your father.

"I never worry
about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats
in a diamond."

~ Mae West

Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?

Because even then, men couldnt stop to ask directions.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.

Este era un negro al que la naturaleza había armado con una lanza tan grande como la de un caballero andante. Por su naturaleza superdotada, el negro desarrolló la manía de ser muy cogelón. Cuando acabó de tirarse a todas la mujeres de la comarca, el hombre siguió con todo tipo de animales de sangre caliente, machos y hembras. Ya todo el mundo le tenía miedo, hasta las burras, y todo el mundo lo llama el negro cogelón.

Pues un día lo atropelló el tren y murió. Con eso se fue al cielo, donde San Pedro al ver sus antecedentes, lo mandó directo al infierno. El negro rogó y rogó, pero nada, San Pedro firme en su sentencia, lo mandó al infierno.

Pasaron los días, las semanas y los meses, y San Pedro había olvidado al negro cogelón. Pero un día de agosto, en pleno verano, San Pedró sintió que el clima cambiaba bruscamente. Empezó a soplar un aire gélido. Se abrigó y buscó de donde venía ese viento, y no lo podía creer, el viento se originaba por los lares del infierno.

Pidió permiso a Dios y se fue a explorar la causa del frío. Ciertamente en la medida que se acercaba al infierno, todo era frío, vio escarcha, ríos congelados, y esto fue peor cuando finalmente llegó al infierno. Ya no había lava, ni fuego, ni había olor a azufre, en su lugar se veía una niebla espesa y el frío emanaba de todo objeto sólido. Y dentro de la niebla divisó a todos los diablos de espalda contra la pared, tratando de tomar el sol, pero éste no lo lograba penetrar la niebla. En medio de todos estaba Satán, el rey del infierno, dando diente con diente y friccionándose las manos pretendía darse calor.

¿Y por qué hay tanto frío? preguntó San Pedro.

Por tu culpa, respondió Satán.

¿Cómo que por mi culpa?, por favor explícate, dijo San Pedro.

Pues desde que mandaste al negro cogelón nadie se quiere agachar a recoger leña y carbón para los hornos del infierno…

Your momma is so fat, when she stood in the scale to get weighed it read –
(one at a time please!!!!!!)

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapists office. The doctor asked, What can I do for you? The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor re-examined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, Theres nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigour which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, Just exactly what are you trying to find out?

The old man said, Oh, were not trying to find out anything. Shes married and we cant go to her house. Im married, so we cant go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare.