Old and New Jokes

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, Good morning, Maam. What are you doing?

Reading my book, she replies as she thinks to herself, Is this guy blind, or what?

Youre in a restricted fishing area, he informs her.

But, Officer, Im not fishing. Cant you see that?

But you have all this equipment, Maam. Ill have to take you in and write you up.

If you do that I will charge you with rape, snaps the irate woman.

I didnt even touch you, grouses the sheriff.

Yes, thats true … but you have all the equipment …

This kid walks into the pharmacy: Ive a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it.

What do you want? Well, its a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know… What do you want? I need some protection, alright??!?! What size? Size? I dunno… Whatever is considered average I guess. Thatll be $

2.35 including tax. Tacks?! Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He cant see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns dont kill people. I do.”
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?

A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

An older woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening when she realized her husband was due home soon and she hadnt left dinner for him. Knowing how upset he got when he didnt have his dinner on time, she exclaimed Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! Hes going to really ticked if its not ready on time!She rushed home, but when she got there she realized that she didnt have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the refrigerator was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished
it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner that evening. Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in 40 years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day!Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. Youre going to kill him! they exclaimed. But the woman insisted her husband loved it, and said she had no plans to stop.Two months later, her husband died. The womans bridge partners showed up at the funeral and pulled her aside. You killed him! they whispered. We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your
husband?!The wife stoically replied, I didnt kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt.

What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?

The La-Z-Boy recliner.

Q: How does a redneck take a bubblebath? A: He farts in a puddle.

Cheney gets a call from his boss, W.

Ive got a problem, says W.

Whats the matter? asks Cheney.

Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but its too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I cant find any edges.

Whats it a picture of? asks Cheney.

A big rooster, replies W.

All right, sighs Cheney, Ill come over and have a look.

So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk.

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, For crying out loud, Georgie – put the corn flakes back in the box.

A painter was asked how the visitors to his new exhibition liked the paintings.

They were divided into 2 groups, said the painter, half said it was a complete waste of paint and the other half said it was a complete waste of canvas.

Suena el teléfono del lujoso departamento de la emperifollada, Marilolis de los Monteros:

¿Está la señorita de los Monteros?

Sí, pero ahorita esta cagando, responde la fámula.

¡Oh, disculpe!

Días después se encuentran las amigas:

¡Ay, manita, tú serás muy fina y de mucha alcurnia pero tu sirvienta es de lo peor!

¿Por qué me dices eso?

Es que hace unos días te hablé y me contestó una vulgaridad. Me dijo: bzzz, bzzz, bzzz… ¿Te imaginas cuando te llame tu prometido, el millonario ese?

¡Ay, no!

De regreso a su departamento, regaña a la criada.

¡Lencha, cuando vuelvas a contestar y yo esté en el baño, di que estoy en una reunión!

Sí, señorita.

Al rato, suena el teléfono:

¿Me comunica con Marilolis, por favor?

Ahorita no puede contestar, acaba de entrar a una reunión.

¿Y tardará mucho?

Pos yo creo que no, porque ya iba por el pasillo pedorreándose.