Joe Goldberg, who lived in a Jewish old peoples home, reached the age of 100 and all his family were gathered around him, having a party and waiting for the Queens telemessage. Suddenly there was a knock at the door – it was the postman.
Anyone here by the name of Joe Goldberg? he asked. One of Joes rich grandsons stepped forward.
Listen, he said to the postman. My grandfather sang in the synagogue choir for many years. It would mean a lot if you would sing the message to him.
Sorry, said the postman, its against regulations.
The grandson took a £50 note from his wallet and tucked it into the postmans top pocket. How about now? he asked.
OK, said the postman. He opened the telemessage and sang in a rich baritone…
Tara te tum tum tum – youre sister Rose is dead, your sister Rose is dead…
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, Here is a great sale on tires!
His wife replied, What do you want tires for? You dont have a car.
He says, I dont complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?
Unless youre the lead dog, your view doesnt change.
Bifocals Barbie
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild
colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of
Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie
Press Barbies bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while
tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with
hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie
As Barbies hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available
with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Flabby Arms Barbie
Hide Barbies droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved
gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too – muumuus with tummy-support
panels are included.
Bunion Barbie
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken
their toll on Barbies dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the
pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
No-More-Wrinkles Barbie
Erase those pesky crows-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin
Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbies own line of exclusive age-blasting
cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie
All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as
Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and
Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Mid-Life Crisis Barbie
Its time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her
personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac.
Theyre hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley
to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of Breaking Up Is Hard to
Do.
Divorced Barbie
Sells for $199.99. Comes with Kens house, Kens car, and Kens
boat.
Recovery Barbie
Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party
girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and
sober, shes going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy
of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
Post-Menopausal Barbie
This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she
puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on
the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with
Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book Getting In Touch
with Your Inner Self is included.
The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled Vien Chez Moi. The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means Come to Me. So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, Does this smell like come to you? Cause it doesnt smell like come to me.
A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.
The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.
What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?, asked the Governor.
Well, replied the old fire chief, the first thing were gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck!
Q: Whats the dumbest thing you can do with e-mail?
A: Ask Christopher James Reincke about his message to President Clinton:
I am curious, Bill, how you would feel about being the first president to be killed on the same day as his wife… You will die soon…
He signed it Overlord. Sure he sent it anonymously, but anonymous e-mail is for protecting yourself from nasty, late-night phone calls, not the Secret Service.
With help from the university, they tracked him down and arrested him. He was released without bail, pending a hearing, and faces five years in jail and up to a $250,000 fine. Dont try this at home.
(Interned World, July/August, 1994: 17)
Which of the following are true about Christopher James Reincke:
Believes that Rush Limbaugh gives a balanced report of news
Tells ugly Chelsea jokes
Member of Young Americans for Freedom and College Republicans
Believes that American has lost its moral moorings, like respect for elders, civility, family values
Believes that the Christian Coalition is a progressive political movement that will SAVE America
Agrees with the Klu Klux Klan, but objects to their style of dress
Agrees with the Skinheads, but he doesnt like their haircuts
Opposed to abortion except in the case of his girlfriend and sister
Believes that homosexuals are disgusting even if they are veterans who vote Republican
Believes that Hillary is a bitch and a dyke
Believes that Bill is a greedy communist and a lying wimp coward
Favors capital punishment for murder and treason
Believes that liberals and Democrats are un-American traitors
Opposed to the Equal Rights Amendment because he believe women should have more protection than men
Believes that Dennys should be allowed to serve only people who match Dennys market profile
Believes that Pat Robinson and Jerry Falwell are great gospel ministers
Believes that America is a Christian country
Believes that all Jews should eventually move to Israel
Believes that black and mixed colored people should have their own neighborhoods and schools because thats what they want
Believes that the only white males who vote for Democrats are Jews, Unitarians, atheists, homosexuals, cross-eyed communists, and/or stupid brain-washed dupes
Believes that the courts are soft on criminals
Believes that Oliver North was framed
Believes that he was framed
Is re-evaluating his support of canning as a form of criminal punishment
Would cheer if he heard that Bill or Hillary had been killed
Doesnt think Bill, Hillary, liberals, Democrats, or Secret Service agents have a sense of humor like he does
These
Oracularities were rated as the funniest by its readers (average rating
above 4 on a scale of 1 to 5).
The regular Oracularities postings can be found in alt.humor.oracle.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
Why did God invent relativity?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Well, it all started on March 12, 1867. Me and Lucifer and God and
Death and a couple of other guys got really hammered, see, and we were
shooting dice together, and Luci was really cleaning up. (I still think
the dice were fixed, but I dont know for sure.) Anyway, God got low on
cash, and Luci got this idea that hed stake him, but if God lost, hed
have to let Luci rewrite some laws of physics. Naturally, God didnt
like the idea, but Luci suggested that me and Thanatos could help, and
eventually agreed to the idea (did I mention we were all extremely
plastered?). Anyway, God lost, and me and Luci and Mr. D went into the
next room and stayed up all night deciding what we should do to the
universe (and drinking beer and laughing and barfing from time to time).
The next day, after the three of us had managed to uncross our eyes, we
got out the notes wed scribbled the night before, scraped most of the
puke off, and tried to puzzle out our handwriting. It was pretty
incoherent (and some of it, especially the rubber sheet theory, was
kind of perverted) but a deals a deal, and God made it all officially
natural law.
He learned his lesson though. To this day, he never plays dice with the
universe. Monopoly sometimes; never dice.
You owe the Oracle a good hangover cure.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
How can i learn to play the fluet?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
The fluet is an instrument with a great tradition; it was played by
the anceint Egyptains, The Romasn and the Greeks. In its most primitve
form, it consists of a simlpe tbue of wood with several hoels cut
along its lenght. By blwoing in the topmots hoel, you can produce a
most Sepulchrla Toen, one which so characterizes teh wonderful fluet.
Finally, it is by rapid figner motiosn across the otehr hoels that you
are able to produec a Wied Vareity of Toens, each Supulchrla in nature
but which as a whoel also form a great Harmoyn. It is for thsi Harmoyn
that you strive.
Godo lukc ot yuo.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
I made some cookies the other day. They were chocolate chip. When I
put them in the oven, the chips leaped out of the cookies, jumped onto
the floor, and ran out of the house squeaking. I had to eat the cookies
without any chips. They were terrible. Why do you think this
remarkable event occurred?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Hmm. Mutineering chocolate.
Obviously they were trying to jump chip.
Q. What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A. They both have the same middle name – THE