Old and New Jokes

Q: What happened when the blonde went to the movie theater?A: She saw the “NC-17: Under 17 not admitted” sign, so she went home and got 16 friends.

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

He: Since I first laid eyes on you, Ive wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She: Well, you succeeded!

You might be a redneck if…
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 34, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

Cindy, you have sinned.

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and splash theyre all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:

Three long years Ive spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some prick puts a swimming cap on me !!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Police!
Police who?
Police open up the door!

After the birth of their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didnt want any more children, and he asked what could the doctor do to help. The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten. The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help! His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why theyd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten. Deciding that both doctors couldnt be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. The husband held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…, at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand: 6, 7, 8…

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.

I will give you three questions, said the coach. If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, youre on the team.

Fair enough! said the Polak eagerly.

The coach proceeded, Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter T? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many ds are there in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?

Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, So how many days in the week that start with T?

The Polak said, Two!

Very good! said the coach. And what are they?

Today and Tomorrow!

Hmm… OK, said the coach.

How many seconds are there in a year?

Twelve!

Twelve? How did you come up with twelve? The coach was perplexed.

Well, said the Polak, theres the second of January, the second of February, the second of…

Um.. OK, broke in the coach.

How many ds in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?

Oh, that is easy! laughed the Polak. Three hundred and sixty-five!

WHAT? cried the coach. How did you get that figure?

To which the Polak sang, dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee….

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night
when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
“This is a stickup!” He yells. “Put
all your dough in a bag!”
“Don’t shoot,” pleads the barkeep.
“I’ll do whatever you say!”
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and
hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts
the gun to the bartender’s head and says, “All
right, now give me a blow job!”
“Anything!” cries the bartender. “Just
don’t shoot!”
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing
the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited
he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and
hands it back to the robber. “Hold the gun,
dammit,” he says. “One of my friends might
walk in!”

Someone who has a loophole named after him.