A blonde had two horses, but she couldnt tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.
This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses ear.
This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.
And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Diesel!
Diesel who?
Diesel teach me to go knocking around on doors!
He was sent to blow up a car and burned his lips on the tailpipe.
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.
He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, How deep is this hole? The farmer said, Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, No. The farmer said, Oh well. He cant get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each mans penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
Oh, Patrick, says the Monsignor, I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness. The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
Joseph, Joseph,sighs the Monsignor. You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.
Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you, says the Monsignor. Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.
*Ting-a-ling*
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cass!
Cass who?
Cass more flies with honey than vinegar!
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Whys that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
Why do artists never when they play football?
They keep drawing!
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
What do you call a teletubbie thats just been robbed?
A tubbi cos its telles been nicked
The Sermon on the Mount would be a musical.
Jesus would never wear white after Labour Day.
Priests would get married… wait a minute… never mind.
The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.
Marys hair would be FLAWLESS.
The Temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just
re-decorated.
The water at the Wedding Feast of Canaan would have turned into
dry martinis with just a splash of Curacao for colour.
The Triumphal Entry just screams for a drag number.
Replace the Beatitudes with Fabulous are they…
The Last Supper would have been a brunch.