Old and New Jokes

Knock knock

whos there?

yaa

yaa who!

ride em cowboy!!!!

Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

I can imagine a world with no hate, no crime, and no violence. I could
also imagine us attacking that world because theyd never expect it.

A blonde goes in to a hardware store, walks up to the counter and asks, Can I buy that TV?

The guy replies No so the blonde goes outside and dyes her hair brown and goes back in and asks, Can I buy that TV?

Again, the guy replies No so she goes back outsite and dyes her hair black, then goes back in and asks, Can I buy that TV? Not surprisingly, the guy replies No again, so in desperation the girl goes back outside and shaves her hair completely off.

Finally, she walks back in the store and asks Can I buy that TV?, to which the guy replies No.

Frustrated, she asks Why wont you sell that TV?

The guy says, Two reasons, actually. First, youre the same silly blonde who keeps coming in here with dyed hair, and second, its a microwave!

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonalds, and McDonalds brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, You want fries with that?, and Man said, Super size them.

And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.

And Woman gained pounds.

And God said, I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.

And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, Youre running up the score, Devil.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw that and said, It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery…

And Satan created private health insurance ….

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: Dactor, its me ahrse. Id loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. Incredible. he says, There is a $20 note lodged up here.

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the mans bottom, and then a $10 note appears.

This is amazing exclaims the Doctor What do you want me to do?

Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man suggests the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc …

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dats moch batter, how moch is dare den?

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. $1990 exactly.

Ah, datd be roit. I knew I wasnt feeling two grand

Banta singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought … and at last I wrote THUNK !!!

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.

Amazingly, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, in a pickle. Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:

99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds.

Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if theyre intelligent.I do so by asking them the right questions, says the Queen.Allow me to demonstrate.She phones Tony Blair and says, Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?Tony Blair responds ,Its me, maam.Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir, says the Queen. She hangs up and says, Did you get that, Mr. Bush?Yes maam. Thanks a lot. Ill definitely be using that!Upon returning to Washington, he decides hed better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Richard Lugar to the White House and says, Senator Lugar, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.Why, of course, sir. Whats on your mind?Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?Lugar hems and haws and finally asks, Can I think about it and get back to you?Bush agrees, and Lugar leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Lugar calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?Powell answers immediately, Its me, of course, you dumb cracker.Much relieved, Lugar rushes back to the White House and exclaims, I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! Its Colin Powell!And Bush replies in disgust, Wrong, you dumbass, its Tony Blair!