Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he cant make it.
The man calls out, Let me get that for you, and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell.
Thanks, mister, says the kid. Now lets run!
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my sons turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. Hes a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."
As we all start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so
important New Years Resolutions. I have faithfully made such
resolutions in the past, and while I havent been able to keep all of
them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year
after year.
Following is my revised list of New Years Resolutions – 2003 Edition:
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads $2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details. Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
You have to do three things and its all yours, the bartender says.
Just three things? the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. What are the three things?
Well, the bartender says, first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, Ive got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs.
No problem, the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, Hey pal your shoelace is untied. When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room–it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.
After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
Okay, he says, wheres the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back? To which the farmer replied: Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!
Q: Whats the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. Were still trying to find out too.
El viejito se está bañando cuando de pronto siente que su pene comienza a endurecerse y llama a su viejita:¡Joshefina, Joshefina, ven pronto!
La viejita va corriendo al baño y cuando ve este espectáculo, le dice al viejito: ¿Me desnudo, me desnudo? El viejito le contesta: ¡Déjate de tonterÃas y rápido búscate la Polaroid.
This blonde was so dumb she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Three guys, a Tarheel, a Blue Devil and an NC State Wolfpack are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
I will give you each one wish; thats three wishes total, says the Genie.
The Wolfpack says, I am studying to be a farmer; my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land in the Piedmont to forever be fertile.
With a blink of the Genies eye, FOOM the land in the Piedmont was made forever fertile.
The Tarheel was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Chapel Hill, so that no one can come into our precious city.
Again, with a blink of the Genies eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Chapel Hill.
The Blue Devil says, Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, Well, its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.
The Blue Devil says, Fill it up with water.
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.
The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and
the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up… The
rabbi,learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didnt know what to
do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old
man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped
the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition
was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction
of the
congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, Is the
tradition to stand during this prayer?
The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.
The one whose followers sat said, Then the tradition is to sit during
Shema!
The old man answered, No, that is not the
tradition.
Then the rabbi said to the old man, But the congregants fight all the
time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand… The
old man interrupted, exclaiming, That is the tradition!