Dios llama a Adán y le dice:
Hijo, tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.
La buena primero, contesta Adán.
Dios responde: Te voy a hacer dos regalos: un cerebro y un pene.
¡Fantástico!… ¿y la mala?
Es que no tienes suficiente sangre como para hacer funcionar los dos al mismo tiempo.
Un cavernÃcola hijo llega a la cueva, le da las calificaciones al cavernÃcola padre que las lee detenidamente y al rato dice:
Mira, que repruebes caza, lo comprendo, porque eres pequeño y todavÃa no puedes con la lanza. Que repruebes agricultura te lo paso, porque es un rollo y al principio cuesta trabajo agarrarle la onda. Que repruebes pintura rupestre te lo perdono porque todavÃa eres pequeño y no coordinas, pero que REPRUEBES HISTORIA, ¡NO LA AMUELES, SI APENAS LLEVAMOS DOS PÃGINAS!
Home on the Web —————– (to the tune of Home on the Range)
VERSE: Oh give me a site where the links all work right — one that doesnt take too long to load — where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen — one that offers a no-Java mode.
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM. Please take pity on me — Im still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE: Though your video files give your pages some style I cant read them upon my PC; Massive graphics and sound crash my system, Ive found, so please put in some alt tags for me!
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me — Im still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE: Please dont ask me to chat with your favorite cat; I dont have an IRC code. And dont ask me to buy games for Win 95 — My PC is way too darn old!
REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me — Im still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!
Two people jump off a building who hits the ground first the blonde or the brunett?
The burnett because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions on the way down.
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions arent necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?
Shiite on a shingle.
Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said Thank you for your interest, but weve decided to give the local man the job. Boudreaux said Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?
The manager said, We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.
Boudreaux asked An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?
The manager replied, Simple, the local man put down on question #5, I dont know, you put down, neither do I.
Why do they call it a toothbrush instead of a teethbrush?
Because it was invented in West Virginia.
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that. The second woman proclaimed, My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that! The third woman replied, Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good its going to be, when I finally get it…