Old and New Jokes

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice Id like to try the bet After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,

and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what? The man replied I work for the IRS.

The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it.

A conversation between a Siberian prison and a new convict:

How long did you get?

Ten years.

What did you do?

Nothing.

Impossible! For nothing you only get five years!

[Ed: Reported Source – The Gulag Archipelago ]

Bush got a coded message from Saddam.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.

The NSA couldnt solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.

He suggested turning the message upside down …

Fingernail Clippers:

Thats why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on:

You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when youre fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces:

As if the braces didnt make your mouth stand out enough.

Inflatable Furniture:

Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons That Smell:

Oh, good, lets give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes:

You shouldnt be able to braid your eyelashes.

The Epilady:

Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:

Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing:

Because you shouldnt bounce if you fall down the stairs.

Doggie Sweaters:

Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

Thong underwear:

Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed – a good $3 cup of coffee.

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Theyre never in the dark.

You might be a redneck if…

Youve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.

The number of times youve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.

Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.

Youve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.

Youve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.

You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she wont ask for them again.

You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.

You think Hamlet is on the McDonalds breakfast menu.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.

Your dad says, Lets hit the road for dinner, and then grabs a shovel.

You ever called your sister Mom and didnt have to correct yourself.

The directions to your bathroom include, Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.

Youre in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.

Youve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.

Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.

Iban de paseo una ratita y un murciélago por la alcantarilla. En eso, se encuentran con otra rata que se burla:

¡Jo, tía, que novio más feo tienes!

Sí, pero es piloto, responde muy digna la otra.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!