Old and New Jokes

– Frostbite.

3-year-old, Reese says his prayer, Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.A little boy was overheard praying: Lord, if you cant make me a better boy, dont worry about it. Im having a real good time like I am.A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what
it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife.After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lords Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from
the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: Lead us
not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.One four-year-old prayed, And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping.Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church. Why? Whos going to stop me?, Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers!A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first p

My parents called last night and told me they are getting
an alarm system installed.

The package includes a motion detector in their bedroom.

What does this tell us about life after 50???

this guy walked into a lounge, and this was one of those type of guys thats bold and rude and will say about anything to a woman, you know the type, and he noticed this attractive lady siting by her self. the guy walks over and sits down beside her and says, you know baby, i would kinda like to get in your pants. unshaken by his rude comment, the lady calmly looks around at the guy and says, I already have one asshole in my pants, why would I need another one?

A woman goes into the doctors office and says Dr. I have a problem, I fart all the time but my farts are noiseless and they dont smell…In fact, I have farted no less than twelve times since I arrived here!

The doctor wrote down a prescription and said, Take these for a week and then come back to see me.

A week later the woman goes back and storming into the office complains, Doctor, I think the pills made it worse, I keep farting all the time and even though the farts are still noiseless the now smell terrible!, what have you got to say for yourself?

Doctor: Good, we have taken care of your sinuses, now we can move on to your hearing…

Youve all heard of the Air Forces ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilots story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!

If I had a dog as ugly as you, I would shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards.

Because thats how many seconds it will take to boot up!
Because thats how many diskettes will come with the installation package.
Thats how many MEG of RAM you will need.
Thats how much space it will take up on your hard disk.
Because thats the year they will ANNOUNCE the product. (delivering it is another issue!)
Thats how many pounds the manual will weigh.
Thats the number of bugs that will be discovered in the productin its first year.
Thats how many minutes you should expect to stay on hold when calling for support.
Thats how many million brain cells the average IS person will loose installing it on their network.
Thats the number of windows applications that will not work correctly without requiring an upgrade.

If a swamp frog goes ribb-it…ribb-it…ribb-it;
and a Busch frog goes bud…wis…er;
Then I guess a Windows 95 frog goes
Re-boot Re-boot Re-boot

Q: How many striking baseball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. All those replacement bulbs are scabs!