Old and New Jokes

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?

The old man replies, I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.

The journalist is amazed. How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things? she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. Like Im talking to a wall.

Gods sitting up in his ivory tower, hes had enough of the pressures and stresses of being number one, so hes decided to go on holiday.

He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions over a pint and a joint.

What about Mars? says one of them.

Nah, I went there 15,000 years ago, says God. It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty.

What about Pluto? suggests another.

Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago, says God. F***ing freezing.

What about Mercury then? says another.

Its nice but I went there about 5000 years ago. I nearly burnt me bollocks off it was that hot. Never again, says God.

Well what about earth then? suggests another.

You must be joking, says God, I went there about 2000 years ago, shagged some Israeli bird, and theyre still f***ing talking about it.

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?

You might be a redneck if…
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great expression he said, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said, And if I had all the whiskey in he world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down.

The head elder then stood and announced, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, Shall We Gather at the River.

John was driving his pickup down a country lane, when suddenly
a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. Hes just about to
slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken
has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.

Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster
and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a
small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has THREE
legs.

He pulls to a stop in front of the farm house, and looking around,
notices that ALL the chickens have 3 legs.

He says to the farmer THREE-legged chickens? Thats astounding!

The Farmer replies Yep, I bred em that way–I love drumsticks.

John: Well, tell me, how does a 3 legged chicken taste?

Farmer: Dunno, havent been able to catch one yet.

[Ed: Told by Buddy Hackett]

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.



Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer.



Sorry, but I cant do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, its against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put Here lies an honest lawyer.



But that wont let people know who it is, protested the lawyer.



It most certainly will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, Thats Strange!

So you want a day off. Lets take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and Ill be darned if you are going to take that day off!

A CHAT WITH YOUR MOM

by Lou & Peter Berryman.

Oh the Pirates in there fetted galleons,

daggers in their skivies

With Infected Tattooed fingers

on a blunderbuss or two (BLUNDERBUSS = musket like gun)

Signs of scurvy in there eyes

and only mermaids on there minds.

Its from them I would expect to hear the F-word

not from you

(CHORUS)

We sit down to have a chat

its F-word this and F-word that

I cant control how you young people

talk to one another

But I dont want to hear you use

that F-word with your mother

And the lumberjack from Kodiak (a city in Alaska)

Vacationing in Ancherage

Enchanged with their Pine-Tar Soup

and Caribou Shampoo

With seven weeks of backpay

in their airomatic woolens

Its from them I would expect to hear the F-word

not from you

(REPEAT CHORUS)

There are Militant Survivalists

with gucci bandoleros

Taking tacky-kacki walkie-talkies

to the rendevouz

Trading all the latest

armor piercing ammo information

Its from them I would expect to hear the F-word

not from you

(REPEAT CHORUS)

There are Jocks who think

that God himself is Drooling in the bleachers

In a cold November downpour

with a belly full of brew

Whose entire grasp of heaven

has alot to do with football

Its from them I would expect to hear the F-word

not from you

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Theres unsavory musicians

with there filthy pinko lyrics

Whod destroy the social fabric

and enjoy it when they do

With the groupies and addictions

and there poor heart-broken parents

Its from them I would expect to hear the F-word

not from you

(REPEAT CHORUS)