Old and New Jokes

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.



Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that, his friend says.



Well, Harry replies, I was married to her for 30 years, it was the least I could do.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey man, Im a Panda! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

The first little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the little pig said Can I use your toilet? and the bar man said straight ahead.

The third little pig walked into the bar and said Can I have a rum and coke? and the bar man said OK.

Then the Bar man said I suppose you want to use the toilet, but the third little pig said No, Im the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.

Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, Do you live here?

Yesh, the man slowly replied.



Would you like me to help you upstairs? the father asked.



Yesh, the man slowly sputtered.



When they got up on the second floor he asked, Is this your floor?



Yesh, again the man replied.



Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didnt want to face the mans irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.



But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another Tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man Do you live here?



Yesh.



Would you like me to help you upstairs?



Yesh.



So he did and put him in the same door with the first Tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.



So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, For Gods sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. Hesh been doing nothing all night long but takin me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.The young familys 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, I worked all last week with a crew building a house.My goodness gracious, said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too? The little girl replied, I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall thats worth a crap!

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

Hey Willis!! the farmer yelled. Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then Ill help you get the wagon up.

Thats mighty nice of you, Willis answered, but I dont think Pa would like me to.

Aw, come on, the farmer insisted.

Well okay, the boy finally agreed, and added, but Pa wont like it.

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

Dont be foolish ! the neighbor said with a smile. By the way, where is he?

Under the wagon!

Little Johnny was at school when the teacher asked the class to come up with a sentence or a story containing the word Lovely.

Well, Little Johnny was waving his hand in the air frantically. The teacher decided not to ask Little Johnny and picked Alice.

Alice got up and said, Today it is sunny outside and the children are playing outside. What a lovely day!

The teacher again did not want to ask Little Johnny who was still waving his hand in the air frantically. The teacher picked Billy to tell his story.

Billy got up and said, I went to my sisters wedding last week. The church was decorated with flowers and ribbons. Everyone remarked that the bride and groom made a lovely couple.

By this time the teacher decided to ask Little Johnny since she could not think of anything he could say wrong with the word lovely in the story.

Little Johnny stood up and told his story. The other day I was sitting at the dinning room table with my family. My sister spoke up and told my dad that she had a new boyfriend.

The teacher thought this was great, Little Johnny had not said anything offensive so she made him continue. Little Johnny continued, She then told my dad that she was pregnant. My dad replied, Lovely, just F***en Lovely.

Oh doctor, moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!

I understand, said the shrink. But Ill be able to take better notes if youll let go of my cock!

This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a leash. The bartender yells at him, You cant bring that animal in here!

The man says, This isnt just any old alligator, he knows tricks. Ill show you. He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, then says, This alligator can hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a time.

So, the bartender says 47 seconds. The man says, OK, when I say go, start your watch. Go! The alligator opens its mouth wide, while the bartender watches his mouth. The man says, To prove how much confidence I have in my pet, Im gonna lay my dick in his mouth. But, just for safetys sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on. The man does so, and when the bartender starts saying 45…46…47.., right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the alligators mouth snaps shut.

Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try? And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean, trust only goes so far.

One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.

The man says, You there!! Youre a real man! Youre brave enough to try this??!

To which the other man says, Yeth, but I dont think I could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds.

HOW MANY BABIES CAN YOU PUT IN A SANDWICH DEPENDS HOW THINELY YOU SLICE THEM.

Y DO U PUT A BABY IN FEET FIRST IN A BLENDER…SO U CAN SEE ITS FACIAL EXPRESSION.

WATS 4FT LONG AND MAKES MOTHERES CRY.COTT DEATH