Old and New Jokes

Two engineering students were riding across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?
The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.

The first engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; The clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

The worlds first/worst lecturer? Guess who…

• He only had one publication.
• It was in Hebrew.
• It is doubted that he wrote it all himself.
• He never submitted it for peer criticism.
• He never gave any references.
• He did not have permission from the ethics board to use human subjects for his experiments.
• His students are always told to just read the text book (which is vague)
• If there was a lecture, it was on a mountain top and delivered by his son.
• When experiments went wrong, he drowned the subjects that didnt fit into his hypothesis.
• There were only 10 rules, but no one has ever passed a test.
• Scientists have had great difficulty in repeating the experiments which he made.

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he
mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer, Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in
garbled speech, And what if I swallow it?

No problem, says the barber, Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else
does.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says, Yes, Preacher, I sure am.

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked. Nooo, I didnt! said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus? Noooo, I have not, Reverend.

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher… Are you sure this is where he fell in?

An unmarried Rabbi is on an empty train when a sexy, beautiful woman walks into his empty carriage, carrying a foot long, BLT, Subway sandwich and proceeds to sit down opposite him.

After twenty minutes of emabarrasingly trying to avoid looking at the sexy woman opposite the train comes to a sudden halt and a voice comes over the speakers explaining that the Five Minute Warning has just gone off and that soon the UK will be under nuclear attack.

Shocked at this dreadful and sudden news the Rabbis thoughts quickly turn to the fact that he will probably be dead within the next five minutes. However instead of taking comfort from his faith and religious training he begins to consider all the things he never did and all the experiences he missed out on due to the religious life he chose to lead.

He quickly realises that he is going to die a virgin too, as he is quite a young Rabbi and he never married. Feeling close to despair at this thought and all the other opportunities he has wasted in his life the Rabbi looks up and sees that the sexy woman opposite is looking at him and smiling in a very sexually seductive manor.

Why not? The Rabbi thinks to himself. After years of leading a relatively good life and obeying the laws of his religion, why shouldnt he enjoy the last five minutes of his life on earth? Surley even God would forgive him five minutes of pleasure and sin after many years of obediently following his divine laws.

Wth this thought in mind the Rabbi decides that he is going to just go for it and forget the consequences and enjoy his final five minutes on earth. He therfore looks back at the girl and begins to smile too.

Feeling a little auckward about this highly unusual and unexpected situation the Rabbi gently leans over towards the gorgeous woman and says,

Excuse me Miss, but are you planning on eating that sandwich?

Q: Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day.

What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?

One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.

A man walks into the womans section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

What type of bra? asked the clerk.



Type? inquires the man, theres more than one type?



There are three types. Replies the clerk,



The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?



Still confused the man asked, What is the difference in them?



The clerk responds, It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A: Because they have big fingers.

Height of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.

Height of Innocence:
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.

Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.

Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.

Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.

Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.

Height of Technology:
A condom with a zip.

Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is itching.