Old and New Jokes

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***

(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the mens restroom):

Please dont feel bad. It wasnt you entering the mens washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Its rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so Ill make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that mens penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. Im telling ya those little buggers cant be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. Im no longer allowed to pee like a man – standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys dont usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think Im a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because its a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. Its the dreaded morning wood.

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you cant get that thing to bend, and if it dont bend you cant aim, well hell, if you cant aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin toilet seat wont stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when youre newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, its just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her… look, it wont bend. She said, sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time. OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with morning wood.

Well its is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but its the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

Its not our fault, its just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,… there wouldnt have been a problem!!!

A guy and a girl met at a bar.

Theyre getting along so well that they decide to go to the girls place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says, You must be a dentist!.

The guy all surprised says, Yes, how did you figure that out ?.

The girl says, Easy, you keep washing your hands.

One thing led to another.

They make love.

After they were done, the girl says, You must be a GREAT dentist!.

The guy was very very surprised, he says, Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out??

The girl says, Easy, I didnt feel a thing!

A wife comes home at 3am and her husband meets her at the door.He askes her where she got the big diamond ring that she is wearing? She says,I won it playing BINGO, run me a tub of water, I want to soak.

The next night the wife comes home at 3am and her husband meets her at the door and she has on a beautiful fur coat. He asks her where she got it from and she says, I won it playing BINGO. Run me a tub of water, I want to soak.



The next night the wife comes in at 3am driving a new convertible. Her husband asks her where she got the new car from and she says, I won it playing BINGO. Run me a tub of water, I want to soak.



She undresses and goes into the bathroom then comes right back out and asks her husband, Why did you only put one inch of water in the bathtub?



Her husband replies, I didnt want you to get your BINGO card wet!

The Macys One Day Sale Flu.

The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

The Im Looking for a New Job and I Dont Know How Long
Its Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until
Then Mysterious Infection.

The My Boyfriends Got the Week Off So Suddenly Im Too
Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesnt Make Evening
Appointments Bout of Influenza.

The Theres No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want
a Day Off Sickness.

The Its Spring Break and I Want To Pretend Im a Teenager
Again General Ailment.

The Ive Screwed Up Royally and I Wont Come In To Face
the Music Terminal Illness.

Sign in restaurant window: Eat now – Pay waiter.

Voter: The jokes over, bring back Bush.

Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day.

May the first person come. He said



Hello, Saint Peter. said the first person.



State you name and tell me how you spent your life. he said.



Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord.



Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven.



And off the nun went.



Next. said Saint Peter. How did you spend your life.



I spent my life like a normal human being. another woman said. I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious.



Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now. he said. Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?



Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night. said a beautiful Girl.



Here is a key made of Copper. he said.



Is that the key to Hell?!



No, thst is the key, for my apartment.

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

1956, was his immediate reply.



No wonder you look so uptight! she exclaimed. Honey, you need to get out more.



Im not sure I understand you, he answered, glancing at his watch. Its only 2014 now.

A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.

It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Other differentiating features:

The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Dern Contraption
Dial up Networking is called Good Ol Boys
Control Panel is known as the The Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4- Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ol plastic disc thangs
Instead of an error message a garbage bag and roll of duct tape pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . . yep
No . . . . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . .hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder
Back . . . . . . . . back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . crank er up
Settings . . . . . . settins
Programs . . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:

Tiperiter . . . . . . . A word processing program
Colerin book . . . . . a graphics program
cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator
outhouse paper . . . . notepad
iner-net . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 6.0
pichers . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

I hope this helps all yall!

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho

Yo mama so fat she could use the equator as a belt.