Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dustin Hoffman!
Dustin Hoffman who?
Dustin Hoffman welcome mat for you!

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. I went to get a haircut, was the reply.
But, said the pastor, why didnt you do that before the service?
Because, the gentleman said, I didnt need one then.

There were two drunked man. one man told to another man that ,you know that india and bharat are having war.
So the other man told that why are we worrying about it, we are living in hindustan.

This one is courtesy of the Daily Feed…

The old news is that Dan Qualye withdrew from the 96 race because he didnt have enough money.

The new news is that hes going to try again in 97.

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up – Down – Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says – Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???

Mike replies – No, he said – You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES

10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.

9. When you ground them, they say, Your UI could really use some work.

8. They say, My dad can beat your dad at Quake.

7. Instead of laughing, they say, LOL.

6. They insult kids by saying, And youve got limited bandwidth!

5. They change the answering machine message to BRB, leave your URL, and well TTYL.

4. This is how they ask someone out on a date: Umm, uh, well…see ya!

3. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, Im roaming outside my service area!

2. When you ask if theyve finished their book report, they say, Its in beta, but itll ship in time.

1. Youre telling them something they dont want to hear. Theyre saying, NAK, NAK, NAK the whole time.

One woman says to another, I cant understand why you havent gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean hes so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!

The other woman replies with a smile, Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and hes gagging and thrashing about.

Ill be right over, the doctor said. In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husbands mouth.

Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.

I know, doc, she replied, but first Ive got to get the darn cat out of him!

Told on the monologue of Saturday Night Live, 9 December 1989:

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

A: So the other one could drive!

The pastor stood before the congregation and said I have bad news, I have good news, and I have more bad news. The congregation got quiet. The bad news is: the church needs a new roof! the pastor said. The congregation groaned. The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof. A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group. The bad new is: its still in your pockets