Old and New Jokes

Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one Ive never tried before.

what do you call a science joke?

STUPID.

Here I have two burglar stories:

The first one was about 4 years ago, in the bank, a guy stealed a check for about $50,000,000.00 mexican pesos (about USD $25,000.00 in that time) from another guy who was in the line.

Two police officers started to chase him, and when the guy realized that he will never get to collect the check, he ate it. The police had to release him as they didnt had any evidence of the crime. (The guy was in front of me in the line so, i guess it is true)

The second story is about another bank robbery, a man with no weapons robbed 3 banks in 30 minutes, How? The 3 banks are very close enough to make th is stunt. He entered the bank, tell the manager this is a robbery, i have no gun, but if you see, top of that building, there is a friend of mine with a shotgun and hes aiming at you, now gimme the money. He grabbed the money and proceed to the next bank. He repeated the same procedure in each bank and went away.

3 hous later, when they realized that the guy with the shotgun still there, the police, shure that they will catch the tief, went to the building and they finded… A dummy made with old clothes holding a broom!!!

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?

The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg.

The father of five children won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

Who is the most obedient?, he asked.
Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?

Five small voices answered in unison:

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just
kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took
out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in
the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called
her doctors office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart
would be.

On a woman, the doctor said, the heart would be just below the left
breast.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her left knee.

How do you confuse a blonde? Tell her to count the stairs on a escalator.

Bill walks into a bar. He sits down. He takes out a little tiny man and sits him on the bar. Takes out a little tiny piano. Sets it on the bar. The little tiny man starts playing the little tiny piano.Bob, who is sitting next to Bill, looks at him and says, Holy crap. Whered you get that? Bill replies, Well, I wished for it. Out back, behind the bar, theres a lamp with a genie in it. I rubbed it and he granted me a wish…So Bob goes out behind the bar and sure enough, he finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says that hell grant him one wish. I wish for a million bucks! Bob said. So the sky parts and a million ducks fall out. Bob walks back into the bar and sits back down next to Bill. What the hell? I asked for a million bucks and I got a million DUCKS! Bob said frustrated. Bill looks at Bob and nods. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

Where did you get such a functional bike? asked the first.

The second engineer replied: Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly: Good choice; the clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

Yo mama house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.