Old and New Jokes

Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our first husband-wife argument.

If we have a difference of any kind, and I am right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion. But what if hes right? That has not happened yet.

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes.
9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile.
8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, its Vomit Man!"
4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants.
3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 – Youre now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule ************************************

MONDAYS:

8:00 – Husseinfeld

8:30 – Mad About Everything

9:00 – Suddenly Sanctions

9:30 – The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

10:00 – Allah McBeal



TUESDAYS:

8:00 – Wheel of Fortune and Terror

8:30 – The Price is Right If Saddam Says Its Right

9:00 – Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things

9:30 – Iraqs Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers

10:00 – Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer



WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 – U.S. Military Secrets Revealed

8:30 – When Kurds Attack

9:00 – Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah

9:30 – Just Shoot Me

10:00 – Veilwatch



THURSDAYS:

8:00 – Matima Loves Chachi

8:30 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H

9:00 – Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

9:30 – My Two Baghdads

10:00 – Diagnosis: Heresy



FRIDAYS:

8:00 – Everybody Loves Saddam Or Hell Have Them Shot

8:30 – Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other

9:00 – Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things

9:30 – Achmeds Creek

10:00 – Matlock

Mays Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

This other guy walks into confession and admits to the priest that he had
engaged in oral sex. The priest being quite new at this confession business
tells the man he doesn know what type of pennance to give him for his sin
so hell call the Holiness in Rome and ask him. The priest calls the Holiness
and asks what he normally gives for a blow job to which the Holiness replies,
40,000 lyra!

Confucious say…

All who fly upside-down have crack up.

He who stand on toilet high on pot.

He who shits brick has square hole.

Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk!!!

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.

Bob cant believe it, he yells over whats your secret?



woogatkakeptewrwm he answers back.



what did you say? replies Bob.



The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob, you have to keep your worms warm.

Purple.

If it wasnt for my faults, Id be perfect.