One day Vito The Gat goes to his 14 year old son and says, Today is the day that you get your first pistola!
The boy replies, But I dont want a gun. I want a golden watch!
Vito looks strangely at his son and says, Wadda you want wit a watch? Before the son can answer that he says, Picture this, you come home from a job and you find your wife in bed wit your best friend, Mario. What say then?
The son replies, Times up, Mario!
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
Youre not allowed to pee in the pool, said the lifeguard. Im going to report you.
But everyone pees in the pool, said Little Johnny.
Maybe, said the lifeguard, but not from the diving board!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
20. Move your mouth when youre silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.
It is better to wear out then rust out.
1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? [What for?] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thief? [No. ] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say yes.]
4. Youre so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
6. Lets go to my place and do the things Ill tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.
8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
10. My names [your name]. Thats so you know what to scream.
11. My names [your name], but you can call me lover.
12. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, cause youve got a nice set of buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, What are you doing?:] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if youre the right size.
16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
18. Screw me if Im wrong, but dont you want to kiss me?
19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush. ] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.
24. How about you sit on my lap and well see what pops up?
25. Do you know whatd look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So. . . How am I doin?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
30. Say, thats a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?
31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
32. I hope you know CPR, cause you take my breath away.
33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
This is one that I picked up off a bathroom wall while I was in the Navy.
I fucked in France,
I fucked in Spain.
I fucked up and down
the coast of Maine.
But Ill never be happy
Ill nerve be free.
Till I fucked the Navy
like the Navy fucked me.
1. If you have no life – and you can prove it mathematically.2. If you enjoy pain.3. If you know vector calculus but you cant remember how to do long division.4. If you chuckle whenever anyone says centrifugal force.5. If youve actually used every single function on your graphing
calculator.6. If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.7. If you frequently whistle the theme song to MacGyver.8. If you always do homework on Friday nights.9. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.10. If you think in math.11. If youve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.12. If you hesitate to look at something because you dont want to break down its wave function.13. If you have a pet named after a scientist.14. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.15. If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodingers Cat experiment.16. If you can translate English into Binary. 17. If you cant remember whats behind the door marked exit in the computing center.18. If you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer because theres a wind-chill factor in the lab.19. If you are completely addicted to caffeine.20. If you avoid doing anything because you dont want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.21. If you consider ANY non-science course easy. 22. If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.23. If the fun center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.24. If youll assume that a horse is a sphere in order to make the math easier.25. If you understood more than five of these indicators.26. If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
A man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.But, wait a minute, said one listener, Shell have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Wont she?Sure, replied the man.Well, wont they find out?The man shrugged, But whod tell?
Cierto dÃa se dirige la mamá con su hijo donde el médico:
Doctor, mi hijo tiene un GRAN problema.
¿Cuál es el problema, señora?
El problema es que mi hijo tiene el pene demasiado grande; pero contrastando con eso, no tiene nada de culo.
El médico lo revisa y efectivamente comprueba lo que la señora le dice.
¿Qué hago, doctor, será que me le puede poner el culito?
No, señora, si quiere se lo mamo al niño, pero el culo no se lo pongo, responde el médico.
Whats the difference between a mosquito and a woman? a mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.