Old and New Jokes

I havent sold one tractor all month, a tractor salesman tells his friend.

Thats nothing compared to my problem, his buddy replies. I was milking
my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed
some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it
and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and
tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when
it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg
up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and Ill tell ya, if you
can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, Ill buy a tractor off
ya.

Joe Dakes

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades, hoping nobody sees him. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple. The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character. The musician, who is immensely embarrassed, finally turns to the elderly couple and whispers, I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music, to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, We just came to see our dog.

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

2. You make over $250,000 and still cant afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your childs 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

5. You cant remember … is pot illegal?

6. Youve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You cant remember … is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

11. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You dont even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

17. You cant remember … is pot illegal?

18. Its sprinkling and theres a report on every news station about STORM WATCH 2000.

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

21. Its sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

23. You AND your dog BOTH have therapists.

One day some guys were doing a survey between boxers or briefs.

They went to a 25 year old man and said boxers or briefs? He

said briefs.

They went to a 40 year old man and said boxers or briefs? He

said boxers.

Then they went up to a 80 year old man and said boxers or

briefs? And the old man replied – depends?

Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex

50. (the obvious) Ooooooo

49. That would work better the other way around. .

48. Sniff. Sniff. Is something burning?

47. Damn, thats complicated.

46. Wait, wait, use my pillow.

45. Alright already, _I_came.

44. You guys need a value pak.

43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say Good show, old bean.

42. Is that sperm or a mudpack?

41. Youve got something stuck in your teeth.

40. 4 out of 5 dentists say thats bad for your enamel.

39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they dont change positions.

38. You know, they say that threes a charm.

37. Suggest your favorite position.

36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, This is a citizens arrest,

assume the position.

35. Bring in the Gimp.

34. Hold that pose.

33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.

32. Start signing Meatloafs Paradise by the Dashboard Light.

31. Sing Shake your bootie.

30. A little to the left.

29. Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?

28. Is there room for two in there?

27. Two words: penis extension.

26. Invite others in as a cheering section.

25. Charge admission at the door.

24. Make and hold up score cards.

23. All of them should read 6. 9.

22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.

21. Maybe it would help if you. .

20. Thats what you call erect?

19. That reminds me of a joke I heard. .

18. Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!

17. Hold up two bags and say, Paper or plasic?

16. Roll over, grunt and say, Id rather be fishing.

15. Use the Heimlich; shes got something stuck in her throat.

14. May I cut in?

13. Thats illegal in Arkansas.

12. Holy whips and chains, Batman.

11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask whats wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.

10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like Pack your wiener before you bean her and Wrap your packer before you wack her.

8. MMM- that looks good, I think Ill try some, too.

7. Lets make a sandwich.

6. Is that hard enough for you?

5. Im going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?

4. I think you dropped something.

3. Do you like to eat at the Y?

2. Pick up your camcorder and say How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?

1. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year-phase in plan that would be known as EuroEnglish:

In the first year, s will replace the soft c. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard c will be dropped in favor of the k. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced with the f. This will make words like fotograf 20 percent shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e in the language is disgraceful, and it should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w with v.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaning ou and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, Mam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know youll forgive me.

She replies, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, Im in room 436.

Un niño en clases pregunta:

¿Cómo se llama el papá de los caballos?

Y responde la maestra:

Se llama potro o semental, y la mamá caballo se llama yegua.

Y los hijos, pregunta el niño.

Los hijos se llaman potrillos o potrancas.

Y dice el niño:

Entonces ¿no hay ningún caballo que se llame caballo?

Yogi Berra Quotes

Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they wont come to yours.

Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.

If the people dont want to come out to the park, nobodys gonna stop them.

No wonder nobody comes here; its too crowded.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4. – Yogi Berra

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get
it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet
for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot has too long of a beak to speak, but that
he could file it down for $100. The parrots owner thought that this was
rather expensive. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure.
If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk,
but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. Several weeks
later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down.
He inquires about the parrot. The man replies that his parrot is dead.

Did you try to file his beak? asked the vet. The man nods his head.

And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?

No, replied the parrots owner, he was dead when I took his head out of
the vise.