Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about a black boy who thought that he melted?

He got diahrreah

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstacy. For my last wish… Id like to give birth to twins.

You know them… those waiters/waitresses who turn obsequiousness into
a weapon, whose solicitous inquiries are perfectly timed to destroy
your jokes and intimate moments… something like this:

YOU: … so, finally, the third farmer turns to the bartender and
says, Hey, thats not a duck, thats—

[Waiter appears out of nowhere]

WAITER: How is everything? [beams smugly]

YOU: Fine. So he says, Hey, thats not a duck, thats a—

WAITER: Can I get you anything else to drink? [All the glasses are full]

YOU: No, no. Anyway, Thats not a duck, thats a—

WAITER: [to your companion] And for you, madam?

HER: Hmm? Oh, let me see…

[You give up; the waiter returns to the kitchen triumphantly]

Later…

YOU: … and the doctor looked at the X-ray yesterday and told me
that if I didnt have the operation, eventually it would
get so big that theyd have to cut off my—

[Waiter materializes from thin air, bends over the table to refill
the water glasses, coming in between you and her.]

WAITER: Go ahead, dont let me interrupt you.

[You pointedly ignore the waiter, drumming your fingers on the table top.]

HER: Well, go on, what was it they would have to cut off?

[You stare helplessly at her while the waiter refills the salt and
pepper shakers at your table.]

HER: Come on, arent you going to tell me?

[The waiter finishes with the condiments and moves away.]

YOU: [recovering your composure and remembering the gravity of the moment]
Well, its no big deal, they just may have to remove my—

WAITER: [turning back in a lightning maneuver] Excuse me, I nearly forgot
the tabasco sauce, here you are.

Another victory. Later…

YOU: [looking around to make sure the waiter is nowhere in sight] … and
I just wanted to tell you, every time Im with you I feel like
the world is new, and my heart fills up with—

[A dessert tray appears by the table, the waiter sprinting to get it there
in time.]

WAITER: Some dessert? We have plain cheesecake, chocolate cheesecake,
chocolate chip cheesecake, chocolate fudge cheesecake, dutch
chocolate cheesecake—

YOU: NOT NOW! [Attempt to get back into romantic mood, ignoring waiter]
My heart just fills up with—

WAITER: Okay, Ill come back later. Can I bring you some coffee while
youre making up your mind?

YOU: [trying to drown him out] MY HEART JUST FILLS UP WITH—

HER: Did you say bittersweet chocolate cheesecake?

WAITER: Ill see if we have any left.

[Game, set, and match]

Economics is the only field in which two people can get a Nobel Prize for saying exactly the opposite thing.

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.

Bentleys second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!

Bertas Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist.

Practice economy at ANY cost.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.

You might be a redneck if…

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You cant tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.

None of your shirts cover your stomach.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You use the term over yonder more than once a month.

Una niña llega asustada y corriendo a su casa:

¡Mamá, mamá!

¿Qué sucede?, pregunta angustiada la madre.

Mamá, ¿es cierto que los bebés nacen, por donde el hombre le mete el pene a la mujer?

Con dulzura, la madre le responde a la niña:

Sí, hija, pero ¿por qué te asustas?

¡Ay, mamá, es que tengo miedo que cuando nazca el hijo de Juanito, me tumbe los dientes!

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: Hysterias and Posteriors.

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

No go! Next they tried Catatonics and Colonics Thumbs down again.

Then came, Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives.

But is was still not good! So they tried:

Minds and Behinds

Analysis and Anal Cysts

Nuts and Butts

Freaks and Cheeks

Loons and Moons

Lost Souls and Ass Holes

None worked.

Almost at their wits end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends.

APPROVED!

A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

You might be a redneck if…
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."