On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me,
Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
Eleven pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up
of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for
in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
note…)
Ten melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
Eight economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal
products,
Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
Four hours of recorded whale songs,
Three deconstructionist poets,
Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Major bug with VB-TP during compilation
REDMOND, WA (APR. 30) BUSINESS WIRE – Microsoft Corp. announced today that if you thought about the program at all before creating the EXE file, it would fail.
Instead you need to carefully think of only the file name and the concept of compilation in order to get it to compile correctly. It seems that the design mode environment does not clean up after all the stray thoughts.
MS technical support is recommending taking a cold shower during file compilation in order to remain distracted enough for it to work correctly. As an interim bug fix, all VB packages are currently being shipped with a towel.
Reports of users getting severe migraines when double-clicking too often with the MindMouse are unconfirmed. As an interim bug fix, all MindMouse double-clicks should be performed with Metallica playing in the background.
Aluminum foil around the head seems to work, but it doesnt look too attractive. It also adds a whole new meaning to Metallica; but prevents the low-level radiation from the users Walkman from interfering with the synapse-Windows interface.
Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
The judge looked amazedly at the couple in front of him. Youre 97, he
gasped, Your wife is 95, and youve been married for almost 75 years.
Why, at this stage of your lives, have you decided that you want a divorce?
That woman has driven me crazy long enough, your honor. I only married
her in the first place because I had to, and I cant stand it another day.
Then why have you waited this long?
Well, we knew how a divorce would hurt our kids, so we waited until they
died.
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure? She says, Why, officer? The officer replies, Because your breast is hanging out. She looks down and says, OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!
There once was a Humor List clown
Whose jokes always paused with Scroll Down
Yes it wastes lots of space
No there isnt a place
For such foolishness here in my town
New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies…
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.
When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL… LOL!
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than password.
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years… chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, Please dont be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years … What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just cant.
The older friend glares at her at first. Then, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally says, How soon do you have to know?
Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.
Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.
Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head hes ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high.
So, he sits down next to him and asks, How is that you have such a small head?
The man replies, Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes. My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home.
The man continues, A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home.
The man goes on, After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, How about a little head?