The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie in building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians—it creates a hostile work environment!
23
Mar
23
Mar
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps theyre destined for the Help Desk.If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.
23
Mar
A blind man applies for a job at a saw mill.
The owner interviewing him asks him what kind of a job he is interested in. The blind man says Inspecting wood.
The owner laughs and says But youre blind!
The blind man replies, Test me! I can sniff any wood and tell you what it is.
The owner agrees, and gives him a piece of wood to smell, Tell me what kind of wood this is.
The blind man plainly replies Its pine.
The owner looking surprised grabs another piece and sticks it under the blind mans nose. The blind man says it is mohagany.
The owner thinks for a bit, then says, I have one more piece for you to smell.
He gets his secretary to sit spread-eagle on his desk and he asks the blind man what kind it is, pushing his head toward the secretarys crotch.
The blind man replies, Wwwhheeeeewwwwww wwwwweeeeeee!
Thats the shit-house door off of a tuna trolley!
22
Mar
Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!
22
Mar
1. Youve ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that arent.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.
5. Youve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I
can take a bath.
11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as the day my ship came in.
12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14. Youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from
the Governor to spare a loved one.
16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall
because of her language.
17. Someone asks, Wheres your bowling bag? and you answer, Shes at home with the kids.
18. Birds are attracted to your beard.
19. Your wifes job requires her to wear an orange vest.
20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
21. You have the local taxidermists number on speed dial.
22. Youve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
23. Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.
24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
25. Youve ever given rat traps as gifts.
26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
31. Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.
32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
33. Youve totaled every car youve ever owned.
34. There are more than five McDonalds bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
37. Youve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. Youve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.
42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
43. Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.
45. Your kids take a siphon hose to Show and Tell.
46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
47. Youve ever bought a used cap.
48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
50. Youve ever financed a tattoo.
51. Youve ever stolen toilet paper.
52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
58. Youve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
60. You go to a stock car race and dont need a program.
61. Youve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
65. Youve ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
68. You own a denim leisure suit.
69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
71. Youve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
73. You have a rag for a gas cap.
74. The dog cant watch you eat without gagging.
75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on
your arm.
77. Youve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
clearance restrictions.
78. Youve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, For a good time call….
79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs
with beer bottles.
83. Your father executes the pull my finger trick during Christmas
dinner.
84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.
85. Youve ever been too drunk to fish?
86. You cut your toenails in front of company.
87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
89. Hitchhikers wont get in the car with you.
90. Youve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
91. Your house doesnt have curtains but your truck does.
92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
93. You can spit without opening your mouth.
94. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
95. You call your boss dude.
96. You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.
97. You have grease under your toenails.
98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
101. Youve ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
102. Youve ever cleaned fish in your living room.
103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute
for toilet paper.
105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wifes
hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
109. Your father walks you to school because youre both in the same
grade.
110. Your house doesnt have curtains but your pick-up does.
111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the Lube Rack.
112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.
115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
117. Your family tree doesnt fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase turn off the paved road.
119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while youre at bingo.
121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
124. Youve been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.
125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.
127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.
132. Your brother and sister get divorced…from each other.
133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture…and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.
134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.
22
Mar
A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a couselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: Hes always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex.
The marraige couselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never fuck up.
22
Mar
If it smells like tuna, you should of been there soona. If it smells like trout, you best get the fuck out.
If it smells like bass, youd best stick it in the ass. If it smells like grouper, youd best put it in her pooper. If it smells like shark, youd best get her in the dark.
22
Mar
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
This temple is 1503 years old, replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
Easy, replies the guide, the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago
22
Mar
Q: Why dont blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they cant fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
22
Mar
Yo mamas so fat, she walked in the donut shop and they all shouted, “Theres those missing jelly rolls!â€