Betsy Sue Jim Bob was walking down the street when she noticed her grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
Grandpa, what are you doing? she exclaimed.
The old ma looked off in the distance without answering.
Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? she asked again.
The old man slowly looked at her and said, Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandmas idea.
This guy has lived up in the mountains for a long time. He hikes down to this bar and goes in and says, Bartender, I have to get laid.
The bartender says, Well, all we have is Bob in the back.
The guy says, No way man! I dont go for that gay stuff, and hikes back up the mountain.
About a year later, he hikes down to the bar again and says, Bartender, I have got to get laid!
The bartender says, Well, like I told you before, all we have is Bob in the back.
The guy again tells the bartended that he isnt gay. However, as he has a couple of beers, he starts thinking about how long its been since he was with a woman, and finally asks the bartender, Listen, if I do this, whos going to know about it? I mean, I dont want people to think Im gay.
The bartender says, The only ones who will know about it are you, me, and the two guys holding down Bob, because he aint gay either.
A friend of mine, while waiting for his airplane, saw a pilot walk
by carrying his bag. On a sticker on the bag, in large letters,
was the word CAUTION. Leaning closer, my friend read, To make
the little houses get smaller, pull back on the stick.
Since the world situation is making us all think about how governments, religions and business effect us, this simplified explanation might help us under stand better.
THE TWO-COW EXPLANATION OF WHAT MAKES…
A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you dont know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you dont know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
Sung to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 a Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS….
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT…
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
Moms Brownies Recipe…
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr no, no.
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cats tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while theres still time and hes still able to run away.
Frosting
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didnt know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in mans front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?