Old and New Jokes

A drunk (D) is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy
street. Whilst gazing blearily around, he notices a smartly dressed
young man (YM) standing a few feet away, watching the people pass by.
As D is watching, a lovely lady comes walking along, and the YM says
something to her. She immediately smiles, shakes her head, and takes
his hand. The two of them together go up the stairs of a nearby
row house, and inside.

A short while later, the two come back down the stairs, grinning from
ear to ear. They embrace affectionately, and the lady departs.

This happens several times in the next few hours with different ladies.
Once the lady frowned, and after some further words from YM, merely
nodded her head and walked on. The drunk strained his ears to hear
what was being said, but just couldnt make it out. Finally, his
curiosity overcame his need for vertical support, and he stumbled
over to the young man.

D: Shay, bud. Wha goin on?

YM: Yes, I saw you watching. I wondered when you would come over.
Well, its like this. I watch the people. When I see a lady
that takes my fancy, I walk up to her and say, softly, Tickle
your ass with a feather? If she is agreeable to the idea,
we go upstairs to my room, and have a good time. If she becomes
upset, I merely say, Typical nasty weather. She assumes that
she misheard me the first time, and just keeps going. I cant
loose!

D: (now swaying) Thas a grate idea! Ill have to run home and try
it mysel.

So the drunk wobbles to his own home and stands leaning against the
fence. Soon a very lovely lady comes (VLL) walking briskly along, and
the drunk decides that this is his CHANCE. So he stumbles over to the
lady and grabs her arm.

VLL: Yes?

D: (shouting) HEY BABE, CN I STICK A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS?

VLL: WHAT?

D: (looking at the sky) Fuckin rain!

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked Registration and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.



Exactly what do you do here? he asked.



Its quite simple, said the receptionist. This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.



Cool, said the guy, count me in! So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, Beware of Gays. A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: Beware of Gays.



He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, Sorry, youve had two warnings!

Last summer at a state park in Kansas a man went to relieve himself
fairly late at night–about 11:00 p.m. He took out his wallet for
some reason or other and ended up dropping a fair amount of money down
the pit. I think it was about $200. Well, he took off his shoes and
tried to retrieve the money with his toes.

The next morning state troopers found him there and described the
situation: He was stuck in the part of the outhouse you dont want to
get stuck in. They said that the man, after being retrieved and being
hosed down, was in a pretty ugly mood.

Q: How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?

A: Put velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you get him down?

A: Blind fold two mexican kids and tell them hes a pinata.

Whats the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.

Clinton and Gore,
Gone in four!

20 Reasons Throwing Up is Better thanDormFood



After you throw up, you feel better.



You can throw up whenever you want.



When you throw up, you dont have to wait in line.



Throw-up is always warm.



You dont have to sneak throw-up out of the cafeteria.



When youre throwing up, a bent spoon is an advantage.



You can lose weight throwing up.



You dont have to pay to throw up.



Throw-up is SUPPOSED to look like that.



When you throw up, you dont have to come back for seconds.



You dont have to throw up everyday.



Throwing up can never cause you to eat dorm food afterward.



You can throw up without a photo ID.



Throw-up is organic and biodegradable.



They dont ration throw-up.



After you throw up, at least you know what youve eaten.



Plastic throw-up is funny. Plastic dorm food is redundant.



You dont have to throw up the same thing five days in a row.



A dog will eat throw-up.



After you throw up, at least theres some taste in your mouth.

This was a practical joke my cousins came up with for a good laugh.

There just happened to be six of us together with nothing to do. So we got the phone book, picked out a number at random, and the first person dialed.

When the person answered, my cousin asked for a random name – lets say, Harold.

No Harold here, came the answer.

Are you sure theres no Harold there? she insisted.

Positive.

The stage was set.

About half an hour later, another cousin called the same number and asked for Harold.

Same reply.

Over the course of two hours, three more of us called the same number, asking for the same Harold, while this poor man on the other line had to tell each of us the same thing, and getting more and more frustrated each time. (Of course, since he assumed we were totally unrelated in any way, he wasnt blowing over or anything.)

Finally, I called about an hour later.

Hi, this is Harold. Did I get any messages?

SCENARIO Big black bear walks into a bar in British Columbia, Canada and sits up at the bar.

BLACK BEAR A beer please, bartender.

BARTENDER We dont serve big, black bears beer in bars!

BLACK BEAR Come on. just one.

BARTENDER Ill tell you once more. We dont serve big, black bears beer in bars!

BLACK BEAR If you dont give me a beer, Ill go and eat the girl sitting at the end of this bar.

SCENARIO No beer. Bear eats girl sitting at bar!

BARTENDER I told you we dont serve big, black bears beer in bars, especially one on drugs.

BLACK BEAR I dont do drugs!

BARTENDER Yes you do, … that was a bar bitch you ate!

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole.

The cowboy said, How long have you been down there in that awful hole?

The Indian replied, Many moons.