Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!Exercise 1Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.Exercise 2Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.Exercise 3Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram!
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilots preflight check he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump has been left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He finally arrives at the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As hes leaving the plane, the pilot, an Air Force Major, stops him and says, Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and Im going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished. The poor guy says, Sir, with all due respect, Im not your son. Im an Enlisted Airman in the United States Air Force. I have one stripe, its two thirty in the morning, its twenty degrees below zero and my specialty here is to pump crap from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?
Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, chickens.
Chickens, eh?
says one guy.
Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?
Heck, says the guy with the bag, iffin you guess right, Ill give you both of em.
The other scratches his head and guesses, Um… five?
10. Shes a goblin!
9. Id like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag….OH!-Youre having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. Shes got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, itll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and Ill let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
2. You scared me stiff!
1. Hes got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
Her version: Oh did I mention or did I not? Well doesnt
matter now, I already started talking. Jane came over, while I was having a cup of coffee. I didnt even sugar the coffee. By the way did you notice that I lost 10 pounds? No,you didnt notice, you never notice. Anyway she came over and wore an ARTIFICIAL wig. I mean isnt that awful? An ARTIFICIAL wig? I mean her husband could buy a real one with his money, but I didnt say anything, its none of my business. I asked her how much weight she lost and she said she lost 20 pounds. Yea, right like I can see, I have eyes you know. Oh did I say why I asked her that? Because we follow the same diet, and you dont know that. Well anyway we sat down and had a cup of coffee. His version: Jane came over for a cup of coffee.
David Beckham walks into a library and says, Ill have a Big Mac and fries, please.
The librarian replies, Sir, this is a library.
Beckham looks embarrassed and whispers, Ill have a Big Mac and fries.
Microsofts ad slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today?
Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released :
1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 gives you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
9. Ill never forget the first time I ran Windows, but Im trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows
3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive
A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!The farmer looked puzzled and replied, Whats time to a pig?
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of coke pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of coke keep coming out. A guy walks up behind her and says, Can I please use the machine?
The Blonde replied, SCRAM! Cant you see Im winning?
You might be a redneck if you only need another holepunch to get your freebie at the House of Tattoos!