Old and New Jokes

Open your present You open your present first Kaczynski Christmas

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, Youre kidnapped, so be quiet and dont give me any trouble. The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

What will the FBI say when they go to Gary Condits house to arrest him?"Mr. Condit, come out with your pants up!"

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free

trip around the Sun!

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have a house thats mobile and five cars that arent.

You gene pool doesnt have a deep end.

La mamá de Pepito le ordena:

Pepito, ve a comprar porotos.

Pepito obedeció y fue a comprar porotos para la cena, pero se gastó casi todo el dinero en dulces, sólo le sobraron $300 pesos. Al salir vio a un hombre vendiendo un kilo de balas a $300 pesos, Pepito las compró y las pintó de café para hacerlas pasar por porotos. Al llegar se las entregó a su mamá y ella no notó nada. Pero en la noche, la mamá de Pepito viene y le reclama:

Pepito, ¿dónde compraste esos porotos?

¿Por qué?

¡Es que tu papá se tiró un pedo y mató al gato!

La mujer estaba harta de que el marido siempre llegara borracho. Así que decidió que no le abriría la puerta si éste llegaba en estado inconveniente. Por la noche, como de costumbre, el marido llegó dando traspiés y llamando a la puerta.

¡María, abre la puerta!

¡No! No te voy a abrir si vienes borracho.

¡María, ábreme!

Te he dicho que no.

El beodo sigue insistiendo, y la mujer no cede. Entonces el borrachín cambia de estrategia:

¡Ábreme, María, que traigo un ramo de flores para la mujer mas guapa del mundo!

La mujer, muy ilusionada, abre la puerta y le reclama:

¿Y el ramo de flores?

¿Y la mujer más guapa del mundo?

An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?



Pierre said, Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild.



So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman.



So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, Ive tried it Pierre, it doesnt work!



Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!

The perfect man is gentle



Never cruel or mean



He has a beautiful smile



And keeps his face so clean.



The perfect man likes children



And will raise them by your side



He will be a good father



As well as a good husband to his bride.



The perfect man loves cooking



Cleaning and vacuuming too



Hell do anything in his power



To convey his feelings of love on you.



The perfect man is sweet



Writing poetry from your name



Hes a best friend to your mother



And kisses away your pain.



He never has made you cry



Or hurt you in any way



Oh, fuck this stupid poem



The perfect man is gay.

A man goes into a pet store to buy his wife a gift. He asks the clerk for something special. The clerk walks over to the bird section. This is Ches. He was trained to sing Christmas carols. Watch.

The clerk lights a match and puts it under one of Ches feet. The parrot immediately starts to sing Jingle Bells.

Why thats amazing!, exclaims the guy.

The clerk lights another match, and puts it under the other foot. This time the parrot starts singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

By this time the man is sold on the parrot, and so he pays the clerk and takes the parrot home to his wife. He lights a match and demonstrates Ches unique ability. The guy then lights a second match and does the same thing. The wife and the guy enjoy the evening with their new pet.

A couple of days later, the wife asks the man, What would happen if you put a match between his feet?

The guy shrugs his shoulders and walks over to Ches, lights a match, and puts it between the parrots feet. Chesnuts roasting on an open fire …