Old and New Jokes

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night
time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from
Jump School.

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
Scared, Lieutenant?, I asked.

He replied, No, just a bit apprehensive.

I asked, Whats the difference?

He replied, That means Im scared with a university education.

After working together for a while, Dick and Janes office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other. One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust.

Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to her, If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!

To which Jane replies If Id have known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!

Sign seen in Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

Dos mexicanos se encuentran en la cama y uno de ellos se la está dando al otro. El que está arriba pregunta:

¿Te gusta?

Sí, me gusta, contesta el otro.

¿Te duele?

¡Sí, me duele!

¿Y entonces por qué no gritas?

¡Pues porque soy BIEN MACHO!

Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, Why are men the same as parking lots.



So the second lady says I dont know?”



So the first lady says, all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!

A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts
leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the
engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away.
It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real
warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the
oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a
phone.

Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter
are having a fight about whos going to do the dishes. I did them this
morning, complains the farmer. Well I did them at lunch, says his wife.
And Im tired from doing all the farmwork, says the daughter. So the
farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all
taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first
one to speak gets to do the dishes.

The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell.
No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles
into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one
answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to
the kitchen. They still wont answer, so he decides to see what else he
can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by
her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while
later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, Why not? After having
sex with the farmers wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He
thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another
half-hour. So he asks, Do you have any Vaseline? at which the farmer
jumps up and yells, Ill do the dishes!

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Its a dog eat dog world out there. And theyre short on napkins.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Never trust a stockbroker whos married to a travel agent.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.

Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever shot anyone for looking at you.