Old and New Jokes

A man was walking down a beach and saw a bottle floating in the surf. He thought to himself, Oh, message in a bottle. He took out the cork and out popped a genie.

The genie said, Thank you for releasing me. Now you may have 3 wishes – however, Im a special genie. I love my mother-in-law, so anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will receive double.

The man first asked for a million dollar house on the beach. Poof! A gorgeous house appeared. Just then – POOF! – a house twice as big appeared next door and his mother-in-law was waving at him from the window.

He hurried inside to avoid her. As he was admiring his new house, he turned to the genie and said, For my second wish, put $10 million on that table.

Poof! There was so much money, it was falling off the table. Then POOF!! Next door, the money was flying out the windows – his mother-in-law got $20 million.

He was getting frustrated by this time and turned to the genie, OK, let me get this straight. Whatever I wish for, my mother-in-law gets double.

The genie said, Yes, Im the mother-in-law genie, and thats the way it works.

After scratching his head and thinking a bit, he suddenly turns to the genie and says, OK, for my third wish, beat me half to death!

We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bobs income. his wife told her best friend.

How do you two manage? And you even have kids!

We get along okay, her friend said. You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money.

Really? How can that be?

Well, by the time we get it all balanced, its too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!

Le dice Venancia a su esposo:

Manolo, te tengo dos noticias, una buena y una mala. La buena es que voy a tener un hijo, la mala es que no es tuyo, es de tu amigo Pepe.

Manolo se queda callado un instante y finalmente le responde:

Pues no hay problema, ¡no le decimos nada y nos quedamos con él!

Q: Whats the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?

A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

OUCH

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. Who is the most obedient? he asked. Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?

Five small voices answered in unison. Okay, dad, you get the toy.

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. How did you do that? she asked.

The little boy said, Thats my dog! He can dish it out, but he cant take it!

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,

If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess.





He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up



again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,



I will stay with you for one week.





The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the



pocket. The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a



Princess, Ill stay with you and do *anything* you want.





Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.



Finally the frog asked, What is it? Ive told you Im a beautiful Princess,



that Ill stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Why wont



you kiss me?





The boy said, Look, Im a computer programmer. I dont have time for



girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. Wow, this is great, he thought.

It wasnt long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey, he called. Im a rabbit from the laboratory and Ive just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

Yes. Come and join us, they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. What else do you wild rabbits do? he asked.

Well, one of them said. You see that field there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldnt resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, What else do you do?

You see that field there? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. Is there anything else you guys do? he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

Theres one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. Theyre girls. We shag them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

That was fantastic, he panted.

So are you going to live with us then? one of them asked.

Im sorry, I had a great time but I cant.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. Why? We thought you liked it here.

I do, our friend replied. But I must get back to the laboratory. Im dying for a cigarette!

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old ladys appearance in his shop, answered Uh, yes, maam. We do.

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?

Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size.

Forming a 5 circle with her fingers, she then asked, A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?

Well… Yes, a few of them are about that big.

D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?

Yes, Maam, one of them does.

W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?