Old and New Jokes

(I got a couple of email notes asking for more Johnny Johnson stories, so
here goes. -bill)
[Ed: This is a sequel to the In the Navy article found in the nasty jokes
section.]

For these to make sense you have to know a couple of things. Theres a
ships routine book that spells out everything that is supposed to go on
and when. Its divided into in port and at sea sections –

Time 1600, place 500 miles at sea East of the Virginia capes (remember, Johnny
is black and has a pretty thick accent)

Now pieah sweepahs start ybrooms sweep down the pieah (pregnant pause)
Shit! Nevah mind, Im on the wrong f**kin page again…

The quarter deck is the main place where you board and leave a ship at anchor
or moored in port. Its also where leave papers, etc. are left for people and
the quarterdeck watch pages them to pick them up. One day tied up in Montreal

Now Johnny Johnson, BM3, second division, lay up to the qwatahdeck (pause)
Oh Shit! Thats ME!

In 1960 it was unusual for a cruiser to carry a helicopter but we had one. It
spent most of its time on the aircraft carrier for maintenance but the carrier
flew in mail from ashore every day –

Now flight qwatahs, flight qwatahs, all hands man yoah flight qwatahs stations,
prepeah for landin eahcraft (pause) Look suh! Here come de helo wit da mail!

Bill Kennedy …{rutgers,ihnp4!killer}!ssbn!bill or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM

The latest news is, that Bill Clinton has bought a new cigar holder. Unfortunately, due to security reasons, they cant tell us her name!

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. Reverend, he said, I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What should I do?

I have an idea, said the minister. Take this pin with you. Ill be able to tell when shes sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin.

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. …And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you? he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

Jesus! cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.

Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones, said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. Who is your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

God! cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. Right again, Mrs. Jones, said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didnt notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, …And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?

Mrs. Jones shrieked, You stick that damned thing in me one more time and Ill break it off and shove it up your ass!

(This is a joke told by the Greaseman, a DJ on DC-101, a Washington radio
station:)

Once upon a time, there was a woman working at a lingerie counter, and
a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties and said
shed like to buy them, adding, but only of you can embroider If
you can read this, youre too close. on the back.

So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described the
rather unusual request.

The tailor said, Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do
that. Does she want block letters or script?

Since the saleswoman didnt know, she went back around to the counter, and
asked, do you want that in block letters or script?

The customer replied, with a smile, Braille.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers hell. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.

Un elefante pasaba todos los días por encima de un hormiguero y lo destruía. Un día, las hormigas, cansadas de reconstruir su hormiguero, decidieron hacer algo.

Cuando el elefante pasó por el hormiguero todas las hormigas se le lanzaron encima y comenzaron a picarlo.

El elefante sintió una pequeña molestia y se sacudió y todas las hormigas se cayeron de inmediato, menos una que se quedó prendida del cuello del elefante.

Entonces, todas las hormigas empezaron a gritarle:

¡No seas mensa! ¡ahórcalo! ¡ahórcalo!

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, Is that for sale? Of course not! she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.

Transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with Canadian autorities off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canadians: No. I say again, you must divert your course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, thats one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Why dont women have any brains?

Because they dont have any testicles to put them in.

Canadas worst air disaster: Canadas worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.