15
Nov

One helluva nightmare

This guy was talking to a friend of his, and his friend said he had a miserable nightmare last night.

The guy says well tell me what it was about.

Friend: I dreamt I went to bed with 3 women last night.

The guy: *surpised* Says that dont sound too bad.

Friend: Well the 3 women were Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit and Hillary Clinton.

The guy: Well still that cant be all that bad.

Friend: Well when I woke up, I found my self in the hospital with a busted kneecap, a smaller dick and then I found out I had no health coverage.

14
Nov

A womans seminars

How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother

Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart

Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper

14
Nov

4 Legs?

Q: What has four legs and no ears?

A: Mike Tysons dog.

14
Nov

Food for Thought

Patient: Doctor, youve gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.



Doctor: Thats easy. Eat shit!

14
Nov

Squawks

Squawks are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker.

(Dont let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)

From the squawk sheets:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.

Solution #2: #2 Propeller seepage normal.

Problem #2: #1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesnt.

Solution: IT DOES NOW

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.

Solution: Something tightened in cockpit

Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.

Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: Number three engine missing

Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud

Solution: Volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.

Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.

Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Solution: Thats what theyre there for.

Thanx to Scott Winter.

14
Nov

Mens Rude Awakening

The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when they find out two things:

God is a woman…and she nailed down all of Heavens toilet seats!

14
Nov

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna ride bikes?

13
Nov

Education for women

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

13
Nov

Se inicia un feroz incendio

Se inicia un feroz incendio en una planta química. El dueño es sacado de la cama en medio de la noche y concurre desesperado, ya que sus fórmulas secretas están en la caja fuerte de su oficina.

El incendio es violento; varias cuadrillas de bomberos se encuentran luchando contra las llamas y otras más vienen en camino. El propietario se dirige al Jefe de Bomberos:

Mis fórmulas están en la caja fuerte, no me importa la fábrica, pero necesito esas fórmulas. Cien mil dólares para la brigada que las rescate.

La oferta incentiva a los bomberos quienes redoblan sus esfuerzos. Pese a ello, ninguno logra penetrar la furia de las llamas. Viendo que el fuego amenaza con destruir todo, el propietario redobla su oferta gritando:

Jefe, 200 mil dólares para la brigada que rescate las fórmulas.

Nadie consigue quebrar la barrera infernal. De repente, una cuadrilla de bomberos voluntarios jubilados se acerca al incendio en su vieja autobomba; sin detenerse en ningún momento, lanzan la misma contra las llamas derribando paredes y penetrando en el corazón mismo del fuego.

Desde lejos, el resto de los bomberos ve a estos ancianos que luchan salvajemente, toman la caja y consiguen a duras penas abandonar las llamas, chamuscados y tosiendo. El propietario, feliz, se acerca al conductor diciendo:

¡Gracias, muchas gracias! Ha salvado mi vida y ha ganado la recompensa de 200 mil dólares.

Finalizado el desastre, el dueño se acerca a los ancianos:

Mañana les entregaré el dinero que tan valientemente se han ganado, pero tengo una duda: ¿qué harán con el mismo?

El chofer responde:

Lo primero será arreglar los pinches frenos de la autobomba.

13
Nov

Light Bulbs

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change.

Q. How many software people does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, thats a hardware problem.

Q. How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Only one, but it may take upwards of five to get it done.

Q. How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, real men arent afraid of the dark.

Q. How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, a real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q. How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, because people who glow in the dark dont need light bulbs.

Q. How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. How many can you afford.

Q. How many IBM Tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Just one, providing theres an engineer around to explain how to do it.