Old and New Jokes

A MATTER OF COMMUNICATION

There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned.
She was considering a weeks vacation in sunny Florida at a
particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the
accommodations first.

Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldnt
bring herself to write toilet in a letter. After considerable
deliberation, she settled on bathroom commode, but when she
wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so she rewrote the
letter to the campground, and referred to the bathroom commode
as the B.C..

Does the campground have its own B. C.? is what she actually
wrote.

The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed
the letter around to several people at the campground, but they
couldnt decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner
concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church,
so he sat down and responded:

Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I
now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine
miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250
people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away
if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you
will be pleased to know that a great number of people take
their lunches along and make a full day of it. They arrive
early and stay late!

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it
was so crowded that we had to stand up the entire time we were
there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a
supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. The supper
is going to be held in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able
to go more regularly, but it is surely from no lack of desire
on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an
effort, particularly in cold weather!

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I
could go with you to the BC the first time, sit with you, and
introduce you to all the other folks. REMEMBER, WE ARE WIDELY
KNOWN AS A FRIENDLY COMMUNITY, SO COME ON DOWN AND WELL ALL
ENJOY THE BC TOGETHER!!!

Robert (Bob) Pitts
MID-LYD Systems

For a boys 15th birthday, his father gave him a duck, and said, Go into town and see what you can get with this. The boy then went in search of the best deal he could find.

He first ran into a hooker who offered, Ill have sex with you if you give me the duck.

He agreed. Afterwards, she was so impressed she said, If you do it again, Ill give you the duck back.

He thought that this was an excellent deal, and agreed.

Since he had his duck back, he continued to walk through town to try to find something else. Suddenly, the duck flew out of his arms and into an oncoming truck. The driver of the truck was so sorry about killing the duck, he gave the boy 2 dollars.

When the boy arrived home, his father asked what he recieved for the duck.

His reply: Well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck!

Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinists head is so much bigger.

With Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.

Two Rednecks went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, You skin this one while I go and get another!

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.



As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears hed ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bears body is gone!



He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then theres a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and its the bear! You just tried to kill me, didnt you?. Says the bear.Uh, no. No I didnt. The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies.Yes you did. Dont lie, or Ill rip your arms off Uh, yeah, yeah I did. Alright, says, the bear, Ill let you go if you do one thing for me. Whats that?, inquires the hunter. Give me a head-job. What?? On your knees So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.



Well, the hunters pissed-off. Humiliated by a bear!, he thinks to himself. Ill teach that bastard. He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. Ive got you now, bear, the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.



Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. You just tried to kill me again, didnt you?. Says the bear. Uh, no. No I didnt, lies the hunter. Yes you did. Dont lie, or Ill rip your legs off Ok! I did. Alright, says, the bear, Ill let you go if you do one thing for me. Whats that?, inquires the hunter. Drop your pants and bend over No way! Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off. Alright! Ill do it, you bastard So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.



Ill fucking get the bastard this time, the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.



Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. Youre not here for the hunting, are you?, says the bear.

It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy: How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can? The guy replied: Well I am going back up there tommorow, why dont you come along? And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said: You cant do that! Thats illeagal! The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said: Are you going to fish, or talk?

Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

7. Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)

8. Backups? We don *NEED* no steenking backups.

9. E Pluribus Modem

10. …. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

13. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbors Pentium.

14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…

18. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

20. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.

21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

22. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. – Bill Gates, 1981

23. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…

25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

27. Hit any user to continue.

28. Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.

29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?