There was this man who was down on his luck and felt he needed a few drinks. He went to this bar and drank several drinks, when he was done he stood up and walked toward the door. The bartender shouted at the man, Hey mister, are you going to pay for those drinks?
The man looked back at the bartender and replied I already paid you, then walked out the bar. Almost immediately he saw one of his friends and told him about the bartender, Just go in there and drink all you want then get up and leave, When the bartender asks you to pay the tab, just tell him you already did. This sounded easy enough so he went in and had several drinks, The bartender went to him and said, Before you came in, another man was here before you, when I asked him to pay his tab he told me he already did, but I dont remember him paying me.
The man replied, I would love to stay and here your story but I dont have time, can I have my change please?
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and
keep away from children.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Im not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever – so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!
Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Thanx to the Guffaws list.
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice cream parlor together. The brunette went up and asked for a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. The counter man was confused, but gave her a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. The redhead went up and asked for a single dip of vanilla ice cream with Pepsi poured over it. The man was really confused now. But he gave the redhead her order. The blonde was listning to the other two women and thought that she should have a special order too. So she went up and asked for an extra-large root beer with no roots.
Eating with Children
A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.
All during the sit-down dinner, the hosts three-year-old girl stared at her fathers boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.
He asked her, Why are you staring at me?
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I dont want to miss it!
A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.
Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.
The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said,Youre not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!
So, how did you break YOUR leg??
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldnt expect you to understand.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 – Dont tell people everything you know.
Goebels Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!