Old and New Jokes

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.

Henry started by saying, I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin on me with a carpenter!

Tom answered, Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.

The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin on me with a plumber!

Otis then joins in and says, Well, if you think thats bad, Ive got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed.

I think my Lina is cheatin on me with a horse!

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?

They both say…insert Bill here!

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard shes thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, shes pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says hell be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

Look… lie here on the bed — youll be thrown right to the floor!

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. What, he says, are you doing here!?!

The manager calmly replies, Would you believe Im waiting for a train?

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one whos used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.



What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.



Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tigers neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till youre sure youve got it right.



Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tigers mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isnt a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.



This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when youre standing next to one.



Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.



It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.



It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they dont get taken for walks.



They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldnt put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.



All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Q. A blonde and a brunette both jump off a tall building. Who lands first?

A. The brunette, because the blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when were apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?Gloria**********Dear John:I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When were apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?Yours,Gloria

Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.

A guy walks up to his friend ans says why do you have R and L on your hands?

He replies So I know which is my left and which is my right

Oh says the guy Now I know why my wife has C and A written on her panties!