Jill tells her husband, Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why cant you do that?
Gosh, Jack says, why I hardly know the girl.
Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory? A: It says byte me
Its friday afternoon and a class of grade twos are waiting to go home,the teacher stands up and says anyone who can answer this question can take monday off,she asks how many buckets of sand in the Arizona desert. The kids are stuned,the teacher says alright,no one can answer the question, no one can have a long weekend. The following friday the teacher asks how many buckets of water in the Atlantic Ocean, and once again no could answer it. The next thursday after school one of the students from that class went home and grabed two golf balls from his garage,painted them black let them dry and took them to school the next day. Its five minutes to three and this kid knows that the teacher is going to ask a dumb question so he stands up and throws the golf balls at the black board and sits down really fast,The teacher stands up and says,whos the comedian with the two black balls, the kid stand up and says Bill Cosby see you all on Tuesday.
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that hed been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. I cant walk around like this!!""Sir," the doctor said, "there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you. A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased mans blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. Excuse me, sir," said the policeman. "Do you know anything about this at all?No, constable, said the man.Well, we cant figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!
STATE OF CALIFORNIA
DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
1700 J STREET
SACRAMENTO, CA 95368
PETE WILSON HARRY WALBRATH
GOVERNOR DIRECTOR
BULLETIN NUMBER 95-2374
DATE: OCTOBER 20, 1995
TO: ALL CALIFORNIA INSURANCE AGENCIES
ALL CALIFORNIA DEALERS OF NEW/USED AUTOMOBILES
FROM: CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
SUBJ: AUTOMOTIVE VEHICLE HEADLAMP DIMMER SWITCH
1. Pursuant to the California Department of Motor Vehicles Act Number DMV 95-79221, all motor vehicles sold in the State of California after November 1, 1995 will be required to have the headlamp dimmer switch mounted on the floor of the vehicle. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch with the left foot. The switch must be far enough removed from the left foot pedals to avoid any inadvertent operation and/or pedal confusion.
2. Included in the above act, and beginning January 1, 1996 all other vehicles with steering mounted switches must be retrofitted with a floor mounted dimmer switch of the type described above. The steering column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle. Vehicles which have not made this change will fail the forthcoming California State Safety Inspection which will begin on this date.
3. It is recognized that this will cause some difficulties and hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. A recent study entitled Initiation Sequence in California Night Time Highway Traffic Accidents was conducted jointly by the California Department of Highway Patrol and the California Department of Motor Vehicles along with the University of California at Berkeley Public Safety Research Department. In this study it has been shown that 90-95% of all California night time traffic accidents are caused by a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel in an attempt to dim the headlamps of her vehicle.
Dear Doctor Rude,
I think I understand what a platonic kiss is, but could you
explain to me the difference between the following kisses?
Aristotelian kiss
Hegelian kiss
Wittgensteinian kiss
Godelian kiss
Signed,
Flummoxed in Florida
Dear Flummoxed,
Thats a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed
to the classics in this field any more. Ill try to make a brief but clear
summary of some of these important types of kisses:
Aristotelian kiss —
a kiss performed using techniques gained solely
from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data
by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
Hegelian kiss —
a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates
its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.
Wittgensteinian kiss —
the important thing about this type of kiss is
that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental
representation we associate with the experience of the kiss–
which
must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for
obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even
similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than
the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make
unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience
thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.
Godelian kiss —
a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet
leaves you unable to decide whether youve been kissed or not.
Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list–here are just a few other
classic kisses:
Socratic kiss —
actually really a Platonic kiss, but its claimed to be
the Socratic technique so itll sound more authoritative; however,
compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander
around a lot more and cover more ground.
Kantian kiss —
a kiss that, eschewing inferior phenomenal contact, is
performed entirely on the superior noumenal plane; though you dont
actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it
the best kiss youve ever given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss —
a kiss that starts out feeling like its about to
transform you but ends up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss —
a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even
though it really doesnt matter anyway.
Russell-Whiteheadian kiss —
a formal kiss in which each lip and
tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even
though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss —
Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.
Pythagorean kiss —
a kiss given by someone who has developed some new
and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear
that others would find out about them and start using them.
Cartesian kiss —
A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement:
I think, therefore, I aim. In general, a kiss does not count as
Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt
that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded
movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder
overall.)
Heisenbergian kiss —
a hard-to-define kiss–the more it moves you, the
less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the
more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme
versions of this type of kiss are known as virtual kisses because
the level of uncertainty is so high that youre not quite sure if
you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however,
that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy
them.
Nietzscheian kiss —
she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust
stronger.
Epimenidian kiss —
a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
Grouchoic kiss —
a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who
would not kiss him or her.
Harpoic kiss —
shut up and kiss me.
Zenoian kiss —
your lips approach, closer and closer, but never
actually touch.
Procrustean kiss —
well, suffice it to say that it is a technique
that, once youve experienced it, youll never forget it,
especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the
lips.
Doctor Rude
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.
This blonde had a near death experience the other day.
She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving.
She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldnt stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground.
She started screaming, and was in great pain.
Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.
Viene esta señora de 85 años y le dice a su cirujano plástico que le haga un trabajo para quitar tantas arrugas. El cirujano la mira y le dice:
Llega usted en buena hora porque acabo de inventar un estupendo procedimiento. Consta de ponerle un tornillo en la parte superior de su cabeza y cada vez que se le arrugue su cara ajusta el tornillo poco a poco. La señora, con toda la alegrÃa del mundo, accede.
A los dos meses vuelve la señora al consultorio del cirujano y le dice:
Usted es un cirujano mediocre, mÃreme las bolsas que tengo en los ojos y ya me canse de ajustar el bendito tornillo este.
El doctor la mira con cara de enojo y le contesta:
Vieja bruta, le dije ajuste poco a poco. Eso que tiene en los ojos no son bolsas de agua, ¡son sus senos!
A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. Oh Lord, prayed the missionary, Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion.
And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: Oh Lord, he prayed, I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive.
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
not only gave his famous One small step for man, one giant leap for man
kind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he
reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark Good luck Mr.
Gorsky.
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people
questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the Good Luck Mr. Gorsky statement
meant, but Mr. Armstrong always just smiled and would not answer.
Just last year, (On July 5, 1996) in Tampa, Florida while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old
question to Mr. Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr.
Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the
question…. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in
his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his
neighbors bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As
he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard
Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying Oral Sex! You want oral
sex? Youll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!