Old and New Jokes

I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.

In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.

I guess its because Im a genius he replied casually. I find things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult.

Snooker for example, he continued, I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew. I could still beat Dan Brock with one hand tied behind my back. I have to make it difficult, or I get bored.

Or rifle shooting, he went on. Ive taken the sights off the gun, hold it one handed (left hand even though Im right handed) sight with my right eye (even though the guns in my left hand) and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon stable. Even then, I could win Harley whenever I want. Nothings any fun unless I can make it into a challenge.

I was impressed. Got any kids? I inquired.

Yes, he replied. And before you ask …

… Standing up in a hammock.

Jim stepped into the elevator only to be greeted by the President of the company who was about in his mid-nineties. Accompanying him was a gorgeous, blonde bombshell in a tightfitting red dress. Poor Jim couldnt keep his eyes off her but tried hard not too look as she was kissing and hanging all over the Pressie.

She left the elevator, and Jim now alone with the Big Bossman himself tokk the opportunity to ask: Excuse me, sir, Jim said, but who is that gorgeous, blonde bombshell slobbering all over you?

Thats my new wife, he says.

But sir!!! At your age, sex can kill

So the president answers, Well, if she dies, she dies.

(I was reminded of this one by the replaced-dead-rabbit joke)

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding
them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small
lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip
up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and
pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the
other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day hes completed his work and loading his tools into
his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his
pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the
house calls out Have you seen my parakeet?

[Ed: While this is a joke and not a legend, it is also reported in the
Choking Doberman, a book of Urban Legends. ]

The Shoplifter…

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you dont want any trouble either.

What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend.

Can you show me something less expensive?

What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? Nothing, they havent met!

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
arent afraid to have a Chapter 11?

The less attractive you are, the more intelligent you had better be.

There was a blonde driving a ferrari. A cop pulls her over for

speeding, the cop asks, can I see your license and registration

please!

The blonde responds, license and registration what is that?

The cop respnds, you will find your license in your purse and

registration in your glove compartment.

The cop gets the license and registration and goes back to the car,

and he calls dispatcher and reports it. The dispatcher replies,

this wouldnt be a blonde in a ferrari would it? The cop replies,

yes it is. The dispatcher says, go back to her car and drop your

pants.

The cop responds back,I cant do that! The dispatcher says, trust

me, just do it! then the cop replies,ok whatever you say!

So he walks back to her car, and drops his pants. The blonde turns

around and says, oh no, not another breathalizer test!

A little kid asks his father, Daddy, is God a man or a woman?
Both son. God is both. After a while the kid comes again and asks, Daddy, is God black or white? Both son, both. The child returns a few minutes later and says, Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.

Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. The other day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? asked the doctor.

Aw hell, the patient explained, Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.