Old and New Jokes

Working for the lord doesnt pay well,
but the retirement plan is the greatest.

-Sam Levenson

A nervous wreck!

REDMOND, Wash. – April 10, 1995 – Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto The software for the rest of yall(tm), Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite.

Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals, explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, but weve recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology – the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!

Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a garage. Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internets hottest gifs, the promotional materials explain.

The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse.

This is righteous software, man, says beta-tester Billy Grugg. It thinks like I think. Brad Cunningham agrees: I take it everywhere, he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their monitors.

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
What are you going to do with the prize money? the officer asked.
The man responded, I guess Ill go to driving school and get my license.
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, Officer, dont listen to him. Hes a smart aleck when hes drunk.
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, I knew we wouldnt get far in this stolen car.
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked Are we over the border yet?

What do you call a masterbating bull? Beef strokinoff.

A red head goes for a drive in the country and she has to stop as there is a farmer who is moving his sheep from one pasture to another across the road. She rolls down the window and says to the farmer, If I can tell you the exact number of sheep that you have, can I keep one?

The farmer figuring that a city girl would never be able to agreed.

The red head guesses the number and is 100% correct. I mean not off by one sheep.

The farmer is an honest man and tells her that she did guess the right number.

She gets out of her car, selects her animal and puts it in the car. Just before she drives away, the farmer asked her a question. If I can tell you the real color of your hair can I have my dog back?

A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship-wrecked on an island and had already been there for awhile.

One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled – Stop fucking her down there!

Whats the matter with you? asked the husband after the sailor came back down. We werent doing anything.

Sorry, said the sailor. from up there it looked like you were.

Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the small tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

By golly, hes right, said the husband. It DOES look like theyre fucking down there!

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is really deadly at Scrabble. Using each letter only once, and having no letters left over:

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER

THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS

ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z S

A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE

SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME

A man is driving down a road, when a rabbit jumps out in front of his car. He does everything he can to avoid it, but he ends up hitting it. He is an animal lover, so he pulls over and stops to go see what has become of the poor rabbit. Needless to say, he finds a very dead rabbit. He feels bad and so he sits down on the curb and begins to cry. A few minutes later a blonde drives past, sees him crying, and stops. When he tells her what happened, she says that she has just the thing and goes back to her car. She comes back with a spray can. She goes over to the rabbit and sprays the contents of the can onto it. The rabbit jumps up, waves, and jumps across the road, where it stops, turns and waves, and then jumps 10 feet, where it turns and waves again. The rabbit continues in this manner until it has gone out of sight. The man is in shock and turns to the blonde and asks What on earth is in that can?
She replys:Hair spray: Brings life to dead hair, adds permenant wave.

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.



Finally, his big sister had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church.



Why? Whos going to stop me? Joel asked.



Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers!