Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Walnuts!
Walnuts who?
Walnuts around here!

Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him 2] hell mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?



Mr. Jones: Were going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.



Interviewer: Shooting! Thats a bit irresponsible, isnt it?



Mr. Jones: I dont see why, theyll be properly supervised on the range.



Interviewer: Dont you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?



Mr. Jones: I dont see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.



Interviewer: But youre equipping them to become violent killers.



Mr. Jones: Well, youre equipped to be a prostitute but youre not one, are you?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

132. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native- American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.

Man! commented one… its FREEZING!!! and my coat wont zip up. The cold air is killing me!!

The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road. Well, he said at last… you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldnt get so cold that way.

Great idea! commented the other. stop and let me switch.

The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.

There! he said when he had completed the switch. I feel better already.

The two of them climbed back on the motorcycle and drove off. Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed. A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs shouted out Is anybody hurt?

One guy from the crowd replied Well, the driver was dead when I got here, and the other guy was doing alright until we fixed his head.

Dear Tech Support:

I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Hang out with the Guys Night 10.3, Multiple Sports Nights 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,

Joe

————————–

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings – Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but can, at times, be a high maintenance system. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say?, the priest asked.

They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

Thank you. said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,

Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered

Lady goes to her gynecologist for pre-marital exam. Doc says, WOW! This is your fourth marriage, and you are still a virgin!

Lady says, Yeah. My first husband and I were hippies. We had a wreck in our VW van right after our marriage. He was killed. My second husband got sent to Vietnam before we could consummate and was killed in action.



My third husband worked for IBM. He just sat there telling how good it was going to be when I got it.

A guy walks into a drug store, and is moving up and down the aisles, obviously searching for something. The pharmacist comes out and asks if he can help the guy.
Yeah, my wife sent me in here to buy her some tampons replies the guy.
The pharmacist tells him, No problem, thatll be in aisle twelve, Feminine Products.
A few minutes later the guy walks up to the counter and puts down a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string.
Whats this, asks the pharmacist. I thought you were looking for tampons
The guy says, Well, a few days ago I asked my wife to pick me up a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and a pack of rolling papers, because theyre SOOOO much cheaper. I figure if I have to roll MY own, she can do the same.

1. I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt on.

3. Arent you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.

6. Bad cop! No donut!

7. Youre gonna check the trunk, arent you?

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.

9. I pay your salary.

10. Thats terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

11. Is that a 9mm? Its nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? Youre a trained specialist?

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

14. That gut doesnt inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.

15. Didnt I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

16. Is it true people become cops because theyre too dumb to work at McDonalds?

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around–Thats how far they are ahead of me.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.