Old and New Jokes

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

How was work, dear? his wife asks.

Listen! I dont want to talk about work! he shouts.

Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? she asks sweetly.

Listen! he shouts again. Im not hungry! I dont wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?

Cant I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself…

Well, I guess its that time of the month!

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.



Stop! You cant do this! exclaimed the brother.



And why not? asked Stan.

Dont you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?



Stan said nothing.



The brother grew impatient, Cmon Stan, I want a nephew.

Stan, make me an uncle.



Stan couldnt take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, Youre SURE you want a nephew?



Yes, the brother replied. It would be an honor!



Well congratulations, youre holding him!

I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, Ill sit in the dark. Ill be fine, dont worry, its okay. Its not like you ever come to visit me anyway. Oy!

Has anybody attempted a compilation of the hilarious things kids do
and say in the process of growing up? If not, I am willing to act as
a collector of these stories. Email me, and Ill repost as the list
grows. To start things off (or to add to someone elses list) I have
the following two stories:

Story #1: Told to me by a former co-worker.

Eliot was about 3 when he and his dad paid a visit to a local mall.
Eliot began to misbehave, so his dad picked him up and proceeded to
carry him out of the store. As they made their way to the exit, Eliot
yelled out, Hey mister, put me down.

[You can guess what they taught Eliot in preschool.]

Story #2: Told to me by a school principal at a panel discussion on
Is your child ready for kindergarten?

The principal was visiting the kindergarten class, as was his daily
habit. The teacher was teaching the children about colors. She asked
the class if anyone knew what color one got when one mixed blue and
yellow. One kid immediately yelled out, Green! The teacher,
shocked at the childs quick and correct answer, asked how he knew.
The child replied, My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and
when I do a pee pee it turns green.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form…democracy.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat? – Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Why did Monica always drink with a straw while she was an intern?

Practice.

Dain bramaged.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com